Jokes

The drunk walking along the country road saw the duck hunter lying in the brush with the gun poised toward the direction of the high-flying flock in the distance. “Shay, mishter,” advised the drunk. “Don’t waisht a shot. The fall’ll kill’em

The boozer took careful aim at the bird, but hit a frog. He picked it up, studied it, scratched his head and said, “Well, anyhow I knocked its feathers off.”

The football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured. The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to do." "On first down, run it to the left. On second down, run it to the right. On third down run it up the middle. The, on fourth down, punt it as far as you can punt it. "OK coach!" said the quarterback. On first down he ran it to the left for 30 yards. On second down he ran it to the right for 40 more. On third down he ran it up the middle down to the one yard line. Then, on 4th down, the quarterback dropped back and punted the ball right out of the end zone. When he got to the sideline, the coach was screaming! "What were you thinking?!!!?!!!" The quarterback replied, "I was thinking I must be playing for the dumbest coach in the world."

With his ball and bat in hand Little Pete walked to home plate in an empty baseball field. As he threw the ball up in the air, he announced, “I am the best ball player ever!” He swung with all his power, but missed. He did the same thing and missed again. He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said “I am the best ball player in the world!” Then he swung and missed again. “Wow! He said. “What a pitcher!”

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this... What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "Four?" "Did you say four?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer. Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Panting and perspiring, two men on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill. “That was a stiff climb,” said the first man. “It certainly was,” replied the second man. “And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we would have slid down backward.”

A game warden noticed his elderly neighbor was going fishing every mourning without any fishing tackle only a silver lunch box. When he returned in the evening he would always have a stringer full of fish. The game warden was curious on how he was catching his fish. He asked the elderly neighbor how he caught so many fish. The man replied he would show him if he would like to go with him the following mourning. The Game warden replied he would love to go. The following mourning they hooked up his boat and the old man had his silver lunch box with him as usual. They launched the boat and in the middle of the lake the old man stopped the boat opened his lunch box took out a stick of dynamite lit it and through into the lake. Seconds later fish came floating up the game warden was shocked and told the old man that was illegal. The old man calmly lit another stick of dynamite handed it to the game warden, then asked him well are you going to fish or just cut bait.

Dad: "What happened to your eye?" Tom: "I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me."

Q: What’s the hardest part about skydiving A: The ground.

Stranger: Catch any fish? Fisherman: Did I! I took 25 out of this stream this morning. Stranger: Do you know who I am? I’m the game warden. Fisherman: Do you know who I am? I’m the biggest liar in the country.

Q: Why did the football coach go to the bank? A: To get his quarter-back!

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear. The judge asks the baby bear, “Do you want to live with papa bear?” The baby bear replied, "No, he beats me." The judge asked, "So do you want to live with mommy bear?" The baby bear said, "No, she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "With the Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone."

A man takes his son tiger hunting. They’re creeping through the weeds and the man says, “Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions? And the boy says, “Yes, if the tiger kills you, how do I get home?”

“May I go swimming, Mommy?” “No, you may not. There are sharks here.” “But Daddy’s swimming.” “He’s insured.”

My bother is a professional boxer.” “Heavyweight?” “No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death.”

“Hey, you!” yelled the ranger to the small child. “Can’t you read that sign? No fishing in this river.” “I’m not fishing,” came the perky reply. “I’m teaching my worm how to swim!”

Q: Why did your mom bring a spoon to the super-bowl? A: She wanted to eat it all!!

Q: How do men exercise at the beach? A: Every time they see a bikini they suck their belly in

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

Two guys on a double bike where pedaling up a hill. It took forever to get to the top. When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant, "Whew, that was so hard." The second replied, "Yeah, good thing I was pushing the brakes the whole time or we would have rolled down backwards.”

There was a student that had a chance to learn the sport of skydiving. After having been instructed by his teacher he jumped out and forgot how to release his shoot. As he was falling rapidly towards earth, he suddenly saw a man shooting up towards him and as the man passed by, the student yelled! “Do you know how to operate a parachute?” The man passing by him answered NO! “But do you know anything about a gas heater?”

This was one of my dad's favorite jokes: Emmitt Smith died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter was waiting for him and issued Emmitt an invitation to play for the HFL- the heaven football league. Emmitt thought about it for a minute and said, "Sure!" As they walked out to the field, there was a game in progress. Emmitt was stunned. There were a lot of ex-NFL players out on that field. But what he found to be strange was that the jerseys didn't have any numbers. Instead they had letters on them. So he turned around and questioned St. Peter about the numbers. St. Peter chuckled and told him, "Up here we don't need numbers. The letters stand for the position they are playing, QB is for quarterback, WR is for wide receiver and so on." Emmitt smile and nodded his head. But as he gazed around the sidelines, he got a perplexed look on his face. On the other side of the field, there was a man wearing a jersey that had the letters TL. "St. Peter, as you know, I played football many years with the Dallas Cowboys and I am familiar with all the positions. But in all my years I have never seen the position of TL." St. Peter laughed and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot. That's just God, he likes to pretend that he is Tom Landry."

Q:Why did the football coach go to the bank? A:He wanted to get his quarter-back!!!

Did you hear about the politically correct country club? They no longer refer to their golfers as having handicaps. Instead they're "stroke challenged"

Are you my caddie? asked the golfer. "Yes, sir," replied the lad. "And you are good at finding lost balls?" "Yes, sir." "Right then. Find one and let's star the game."

What's your handicap these days?" one golfer asked another. "I'm a scratch golfer...I write down all my good scores and scratch out all my bad ones."

The minister was on the golf course when he heard a duffer, deep in a sand trap, let loose a stream of profanity. “I have often noticed,” chided the minister, “that the best golfers are not addicted to the use of foul language.” “Of course not,” screamed the man. “What do they have to swear about?

A fisherman accidentally left his day’s catch under the seat of a bus. The next evening’s newspaper carried an ad: “If the person who left a bucket of fish on the No. 47 bus would care to come to the garage, he can have the bus.”

First golfer: “I have the greatest golf ball in the world. You can’t lose it.” Second golfer: “How so?” First golfer: “If you hit it into the sand, it beeps. You hit it into the water, it floats. If you want to play golf at night it glows.” Second golfer: “Hey, sounds good. Where did you get it?” First golfer: “I found it in the woods.”

Two would-be fishermen rented a boat, and one caught a large fish. “We should mark the spot,” he said. The other man drew a large X in the bottom of the boat with a black maker “That’s no good,” said the first man. “Next time out we may not get the same boat.”