Jokes

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball. I told her she's way off base!

My idea of a SUPER BOWL is a toilet that cleans itself...

Al: You're looking glum. Sam: Yeah, my doctor says I can't play football. Al: Really? I didn't know he'd ever seen you play!

"Hello 911, my wife passed out, but wait, I think she's starting to come to again." (911) "What happened just before she passed out?" "I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner." (911) "Then what happened?" "She said, 'On a Monday night?' and then she passed out." (911) "No worries then, she'll be fine. I get a rash of these calls when they cancel Monday night football."

Why didn't the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!

Why do artists never win when they play football? They keep drawing!

If a criminal sells illegal tennis rackets on the black market... Does that make him guilty of racketeering?

An announcement at the local ice skating rink: "Will the lady that left 6 kids on the ice rink, please pick them up. THEY ARE MAKING OUR PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY TEAM LOOK BAD!"

A fisherman began to drill a hole in the ice to fish when a voice called out, "You can't fish there." He moved the drill a few feet and began to drill again and the voice repeated, "You can't fish there either." After three more attempts he yelled, "Why can't I fish here?" "You can't fish anywhere here, this is an ice rink."

A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought. "Doctor's orders," the man told his friend. "My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs." "What about your wife?" the friend asked. "What did you buy her?" "A new lawn mower," the golfer said.

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?" "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15." The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" "8:25!" The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep.He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. "Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

My wife had mentioned several times that she hoped I could get our grass mowed this weekend. Well, I procrastinated a bit too long and while I was watching football on TV, there was a 37 yard pass with a spectacular catch for a go ahead touchdown. I jumped up and shouted, "Oh my GOSH! Did you see that?!?!" And my wife said, "Yes, I see... what a lovely lawn they have."

His team was 20 points behind and the coach was desperate, so he looked down the bench to his 330 pound tackle that was not his brightest player. The coach called him over and asked him, "If I put you in, can you play ruthless?" "I sure can coach! Which one is ruthless?"

Why did the home crowd scream with delight when their favorite batter got three strikes? He just happened to be bowling at the time.

Oakland Raiders football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Practice was immediately suspended while the Drug Enforcement Agency was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the DEA determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the DEA agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Today I turned on the television and saw commercials... Every now and then they were interrupted by some Olympics coverage.

A football coached was asked about his star lineman. The coach replied, "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I have seen his grades and there are a lot of words he doesn't know the meaning of!"

What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus? He waits at the next station.

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg... I thought, "This could be interesting."

Wife: John, what becomes of a ballplayer when his eyesight starts to fail? John: They make him an umpire.

Why does it get hot after a baseball game? Because all the fans leave.

Definition of Eternity: The last two minutes of a football game.

To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his horse took off. "How do I get it to slow down?!" he yelled. "Bet on it!" I hollered back.

Why are professional skiers always politically correct? Because it's a slippery slope!

A boxer's trainer told him to stay down until 8... He looked up from the canvas and asked, "What time is it now?"

What do you call a sold-out Demolition Derby event? A smashing success!

A man has to take on up a sport at the advice of his doctor, so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his buddy asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine," the man says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!" "Really? What happens then?" his friend asks enthusiastically. "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

My favorite baseball team keeps losing games, but they continue to have a T-Shirt Night, Cap Night, Bat Night, etc... How about something new and exciting this season like a WINNING Night!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football games? They prefer cricket matches.

My Dad, who is a pastor, was reading the newspaper the other day and it had an article on our University’s football team who had 3 wins in the last 3 seasons. Then he says, "Hey Son, did I tell you that I ran into head coach two months ago down at the Supermarket?" "What did you tell him?" I replied. "Well, I asked if I could pray for him and he said sure." I couldn't help but ask, "Did you pray that he would quit or that he would be fired?"