Jokes

Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw. Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will stand forever." I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that event years ago."

A couple who lived in the South were moving to Connecticut to set up their business of raising Yorkshire Terriers under a new name. Being new to the area they wanted to come up with a catchy name for their new adventure in the area. So they settled on the name "New Yank Yorkies".

What kind of tea do soccer players drink? PenalTEA.

Swimming Coach: "Hey! Why are you doing only the backstroke?" Swimmer: "Because I just ate, sir. I don't want to swim on a full stomach."

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the umpires."

Yo Momma is so skinny... She's so skinny, that she uses a cheerio as a hula-hoop!

What food does Lebron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers refuse to eat during the NBA Playoffs? Indian Food... he hates Curry.

John went with a bunch of friends on a camping trip for the weekend. "How was the camping trip?" asked a co-worker a few days later. John replied, "It was intense!"

What do you call 40 men in a bar watching the Super Bowl? The New York Jets.

Where I'm from, you don't see too many people hang gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge... into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, his Maw and Paw were sitting on the porch swing talking bout the good ole days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG... BANG... BANG... BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Halfway through dinner one night, our friend told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman. “Did you play sports in college,” his wife then asked me. “Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.” “That’s great,” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”

I hurt myself at crossFit today... Now I find myself making crosses while sitting down... I call it Cross-Sit!

One fisherman to another, "You should've seen what happened yesterday at the lake." "What happened?" "I caught a twenty-three pound salmon!" "Were there any witnesses?" "Yes, of course! If there wasn't, it would've been thirty-three pounds."

One of the youth soccer coaches didn't care much for my refereeing and had no problem letting me know it. Fed up, I politely threatened him with a send-off if he didn't stop. He calmed down, but an older woman took up where he'd left off. "You'd better control your sideline," I warned the coach. The coach turned to the woman and barked, "Knock it off, Mom!"

Q: What is it that, the harder you run, the harder it is to catch? A: Your breath.

What does the 'N' in the Nebraska football helmet stand for? Knowledge.

What does a basketball player do when he or she loses their eyesight? Become a referee.

So I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt!

Hank was not too bright. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money. Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself. So, one day, on the way home from work Hank took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Hank went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened. "Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"

A boxer went to a doctor for treatment of insomnia. "Have you tried counting sheep?" suggested the doctor. "It doesn't work," replied the boxer. "Whenever I get to nine, I stand up!"

Football is a dangerous sport and players can be hurt while playing. During a college game a player was hit pretty hard on one play. The doctor came onto the field as the teammates huddled around them. He asked the player a few questions as he lay on the field. "What's three plus three?" the doctor asked him. "Seven." "What's the capital of the United States?" "Alabama." "Which state is farther east, California or Florida?" "California." At this point, the doctor thought the player was confused and probably had suffered a brain concussion so he told the coach to take him out of the game. The coach quickly spoke up. "Don't do that, Doc. Let him play. He's alright. He didn't know that stuff even before he was hit."

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!" They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. "I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

"I wish I had enough guts to clean these fish I caught," said the squeamish fisherman. "Here's your knife," said his friend as he slapped down a huge bass. "All the courage you need is right in there."

A man was stopped by the fish and game warden. He had with him two buckets of fish. The fish and game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch all those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around. After a while, I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them back home again." "That's a bunch of hogwash! Fish can't do that!" was the outburst from the Warden. The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." The man poured the two buckets of fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH!" the warden said. "What fish?" the man asked.

Have a fisherman friend that is always exaggerating the size of the CATFISH he catches. I ask him what was the size of his latest catch. He replied, "Five inches!" "Five inches?" I asked. "Five inches is not a very large catfish." "You didn't let me finish," he began, "five inches between the eyes!"

Did you hear about the professional golfer who got arrested for assaulting his chauffeur? All he did was take out his driver.

Two high school buddies decided once and for all to prove who was the faster swimmer. They picked a large stream near their old high school, and the first one to swim to the other side would be declared the winner. Harvey, a friend of Bill, the so-called underdog, had a plan. "For some reason," Harvey explained to Bill's other rooters, "Bill loves jokes, and when he hears or reads good, funny jokes, it gets his adrenaline going, and nothing can stop him." Harvey then grabs a joke book and hands it to Bill before the whistle blew to start the race. "And they're off!" the whistle blower shouted. Halfway across, picking the winner was practically a no-brainer. "Bill's going to win!" yelled one. "He's actually chuckling and giggling, reading that joke book while swimming to the slope bordering the other side of the stream." "What's he accomplishing by doing that?" "He's laughing all the way to the bank!"

Pool Player #1: "I nicknamed the cue ball on my pool table 'Itch'." Pool Player #2: "Why?" Pool Player #1: "I'm always scratching it!"

Did you know O.J. Simpson is a fan of Peyton Manning? Yep, he likes slow white Broncos.

What do you call twelve bouncers all in the same Manhattan bar? The New York Knicks