Jokes

Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, “If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?” Apparently, “Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab,” was the wrong answer.

Johnny puts his hand up. “Miss,” he says. “Would you do anal?” “I beg your pardon?” says his teacher. “I mean, would you take it up the arse miss?” His teacher explodes. “You just stay behind after school and see me, young man!” “Good,” beams Johnny. “I was hoping you would.”

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

A teacher asks his pupils, “Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?” Little Johnny puts his hand up. “One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments.” “Very good, Johnny,” says the teacher. “And the other?” “Your mum’s a cunt.”

Teacher: What does your father do? Little Johnny: Whatever mom says.

Little Johnny had just returned from his summer break and gone back to school. Three days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Hold on," she said. "I had Johnny with me for the entire summer and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?' 'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly. 'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?' 'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?". His teacher replies "NO" Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me". "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies. Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger". She again says "NO". "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again. "Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher. Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON" Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?” “I’m in love.” the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?” “With you!” he said. “But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.” “Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use protection!”

The pretty young teacher enters the classroom to find “I’ve got the biggest cock in the school” written on the blackboard. The teacher says, “Alright, who did that?” Little Johnny immediately put his hand up. “Me, Miss,” he said. “Right, I want to see you after class”, says the teacher. Johnny turns to his mate and says, “Who said advertising doesn’t pay?”

The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said Texas! The teacher said, that right, you get an A. Now which state do you think has the most sheep? A little boy raised his hand and said Montana! The teacher said that's right you get an A. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys? Little Johnny raised his hand and said, that's easy, Washington D.C. The teacher gave him an A+.

The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”. He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”. She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”. He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”. She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”. He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?”.

Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple." This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny. He exclaims, "R is for rats big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?" Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"! The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?" Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

Teacher: Little Johnny, can you go to the map and find Madagascar? Little Johnny: It's here Miss. (points to Madagascar) Teacher: Well done! Now class, who discovered Madagascar? Class: Johnny.

Miss Taylor the English teacher writes an incorrect sentence on the board: "I didn't had no fun for months." Then she faces the class and says, "OK class, how should this be corrected?" Little Johnny says, "I think you should get yourself a better man!"

One day little Johnny’s teacher was teaching the class about agriculture. To help with this, she was showing pictures of farm equipment. She puts up the first picture, “What is this a picture of class?” she asks. Little Suzy puts up her hand and Johnny sticks up his hand. Of course, the teacher just knows that Johnny has something dirty in mind and picks Suzy.”What is this Suzy?”. “Its a rake”. “Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?” she asks and points at the next picture. Johnny’s hand shoots up and, little Anne politely puts up her hand, and once again the teacher ignores little Johnny. “That’s a pitchfork” says little Anne. “Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?” The teacher asks once more. Dead silence, only one student has their hand up, and of course its little Johnny. Seeming as though no one else was volunteering, the teacher asked Johnny. “OK Johnny, what is this?”. All of a sudden Johnny realizes he doesn’t know the answer. “UH, UH, its a shovel, yeah, it’s a shovel.” “No Johnny, this isn’t a shovel, this is a hoe”. “What? My sister’s one and she doesn’t look nutin’ like that!!”

Little Johnny was doing his work in math class, when his teacher chose him to answer a question. Teacher: Johnny if there were four birds on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left? Johnny: None because the rest would fly off. Teacher: The answer was 3, but I like the way you're thinking! Johnny: Well I have a question for you! If there 3 girls at a ice cream shop, one was licking her cone, one was biting her cone, and one was sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well" said the teacher nervously " I guess the one sucking her cone... Johnny: No the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But, I like the way you're thinking!

Teacher asks Johnny : what you want to be when you grow up? Johnny : I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive club, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe; an Infinite visa card, and make love to her three times a day. The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson: And you, Marie? Marie: I want to be Johnny’s bitch…

Teaching an English lesson, the teacher wrote on the board, fully aware of the grammar errors: "I ain't had no fun in months" "Now, how should I correct this sentence." "Get a new boyfriend," said Little Johnny.

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

Little Johnny is asked by his teacher: “What is the most wonderful thing in life for you?” “Well, sir,” says Johnny, “when I think about it, the most wonderful thing in life for me is a pretty girl with big t*ts and a wet pussy.” The teacher is infuriated and writes a note that Little Johnny has to give to his father. The next day, the teacher asks: “So, Johnny, what did your daddy say?” “Well, sir,” says Johnny, “we sat down in the living room and drank an espresso, read your note and talked, then we poured ourselves a cognac, smoked a joint and talked some more. In the end, we decided you must be a fcuking queer.”

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. “Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

Teacher: "Why did you laugh?" Boy: "I saw a strap of your bra." Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for the next 1 week. Another boy laughs..." Teacher: "Why did you laugh?" Boy: "I saw both straps of your bra." Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for next 1 month." The teacher bends to pick a chalk and little Johnny starts walking out of the class. Teacher: "Why are you going out?" Johnny: "With what I saw I think my school days are over."

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.” So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. - First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse… so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - Ok, now take off my skirt… and he takes off her skirt. - Now take off my bra… which he does. - And now, Johnny, please take off my panties. and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, “Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!”

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, May I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first!

The first of September, first lesson. Teacher: "Please sit quietly, if you want to ask something - raise your hand." Little Johnny immediately raises his hand. "You want to ask something?" "No. Just checking how the system works."

A teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny responded, "Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king."

Friday: New teacher informs the class that her name is Mrs. Franny. Furthermore, on Monday they will be expected to remember her name. Saturday: Little Johnny, knowing full well that he is the class dunce, is determined to get it right. He grasps at word association. All day Saturday he says, Fanny with an R…Fanny with an R. Sunday: Same thing…Fanny with an R…Fanny with an R. Monday: The teacher singles out Little Johnny and asks him what is her name. Little Johnny struggles and strains until out pops, “Mrs. Crunt!”

little johnny sat in the classroom. the teacher says class if you can tell me who said these quotes, ill let you leave early. who said four score and seven years ago? nancy beats johnny to it and shouts abe lincoln! the teacher says nancy you can leave. who said ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for you? john kennedy shouts out susan. the teacher says very good susan you can leave. johnny says i wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut. the teacher says WHO SAID THAT?! johnny said tiger woods! can i leave now?