Jokes

Three NFL fans of a losing team were drowning their sorrows at a sports bar after the team lost yet again. The first fan said, "I blame the coach. If he developed better plays, we'd be a great team." The second fan nodded and replied, "I blame the players. They just don't try hard enough." The third fan thought for a moment and then said, "I blame my mom and dad. If I'd been born in Boston, I'd be supporting a better team."

Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer. "The plane won't carry six deer, you'll have to leave two of them," said the pilot, trying to be friendly. Unwilling to leave their dead deer, the hunters said "We got six on the plane last year." The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, "Any idea where we are?" The second hunter said, "Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year."

A rookie pitcher is struggling on the mound, so the catcher walks up to have a quick talk with him. "I think I've figured out your problem," the catcher tells the shaky pitcher. "You always lose control at exactly the same point in every game." The pitcher feels a little relieved, thinking he has the answer to his issue. "When do I usually lose my control?" he asks his teammate. "It's usually," the catcher admits, "right after the national anthem."

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there. The third guy said," I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell... there aren't any Nuns there."

One sunny day a man decided to go jump from an airplane. When he jumped there was good and bad news.... Good news: He had a parachute. Bad News: It didnt work. Good News: There was a haystack down below. Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack. Good News: He missed the pitchfork. Bad News: He missed the haystack.

Ken and Jim were fortunate in that they each had a season ticket to watch The Kansas City Royals. However, they had a friend Ed who would give his right arm for a season ticket. They could not help noticing that there was always an empty seat next to theirs. One day, during a rain delay, Ken and Jim went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for their friend. The man at the window said, "Sorry men, that seat has already been sold." Nevertheless, game after game, it was still empty. Then on Labor day, much to Ken and Jim's amazement, for the first time that season, the seat was full. Jim could not resist asking the newcomer, "Where have you been all season?" "Don't ask," he said. "The wife bought this season ticket back in March, and gave it to me yesterday for a surprise Birthday present."

I was not ready for retirement and was looking for a new adventure. So I decided to take up FENCING. My neighbors have threatened to call the police if I don't put it back.

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area. "Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist."

What do you serve but never eat? A Volleyball!

Lou: Hey Joe. I know the score of any professional sports score before it happens. Joe: No you don’t. That’s impossible. Lou: Wanna bet? Joe: Okay Lou. What’s the score of the Patriots vs the Rams game before it happens? Lou: That’s easy. The score of the Patriots vs the Rams game is going to be 0-0 BEFORE it happens.

Did you hear about the not so smart young lady that was injured while ice fishing? She was run over by the zamboni.

Sign inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

I was recently sharing with my father how bad my college football team had lost to a major rival 58-0 and that it couldn't get any worse. Dad, in his infinite wisdom indicated, "The score could have been 65-0."

Tennis Coach: "I know everything about tennis. You can ask me anything." Student: "Sir, how many holes are there in the net?"

What are generational golfers? People with links to the past.

"In Major League Baseball, if the distance between the bases are the same, then why does it take longer to run from 2nd base to 3rd base?" "You know there is a Shortstop."

Why did the ballplayer bring a rope to the game? He wanted to tie the score.

Why don't most women play football? Because it's hard to get 11 women to wear the same outfit in public!

Why was Cinderella so bad at sports? Because she had a pumpkin for a coach!

What do Baseball players like to eat most often for breakfast? Pancakes... because they're made from a batter!

A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise, so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing. "It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, "To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!" "Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically. "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

In curling, there is a certain mystique about the pebble on the ice. Without it, rocks will not slide or curl. Another curling fact is that the cold air tends to make player's noses run, so much so that there is usually facial tissue ant both ends of the rink. Two seasoned curlers were having an argument. The first said that nose drippings ruined the ice. The second contended that they just added to or improved the pebble. They decided to have the icemaker settle the matter. The second curler, hoping to sway the ice technician asked a loaded question, "I understand that nose drippings just add to and even improve the curl. Is that true?" The icemaker was a man of few words and quickly replied, "'Snot true."

It's game 7 of the NBA basketball finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

I think I’m a really great golfer... I once shot a 72... On the first nine holes!

On a Saturday afternoon when football fever was running high in South Bend, Indiana, a Notre Dame student was brought into the hospital where I was on duty as a nurse. He had acute appendicitis, and as I prepared him for surgery I asked if he wasn’t terribly disappointed to miss the big game. "Oh, I won’t miss it," he said. "Doc is giving me a spinal anesthetic so I can listen to it during the operation!"

Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school’s football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn’t move. We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man’s hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."

Blood may be thicker than water, but baseball beats them both. I learned this after explaining to my two boys that they were half-Lithuanian on their father’s side, and half-Yankee, meaning their other set of parents came from an old New England family. My younger son looked worried. "But we’re still a hundred percent Red Sox, right, Mom?"

It was a long season for my son's baseball team with a 0-11 record. All of the players were new and prone to errors, strikeouts and poor pitching. One Friday afternoon my son came crashing through the door and announced his team had played the best game of the year. "What did you win by?" I asked. He replied, "Oh, we were beat 32 to 2, but it's the first game where no one made an error!" Success comes in baby steps.

About to have a blood test, I nervously waited while the nurse tightened a tourniquet around my arm. "I understand you’re from Oklahoma," she said. "Are you a Sooners fan?" "Absolutely!" I replied. "Well," she continued as she raised the needle, "this may hurt a little, as I’m from Nebraska."

It was the first day of basketball practice at Wingate high school in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack Kaminer handed a ball to each player. "Fellas," he said, "I want you to practice shooting from the spots you might expect to be in during the game." The No. 12 sub immediately sat down at the end of the bench and began launching the ball toward the basket.