Jokes

 Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).  The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.  However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.  According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion  leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

The two inventors of the bungee rope went to Spain to test their invention. They built a 50-foot tower and, once completed, one of the guys stood on the edge of the platform and dove into the air with the rope tied to his feet. The other guy, standing up on the platform, waited until his friend returned up so that he could grab him. The first time his friend sprung up, he tried to grab him but missed and noticed that his head was swollen. The next time, he missed again and again there was a bruise on his head and face. This time, with much concern, he dove forward to get his partner, pulled him in and asked, "What happened? Is the cord too long?" His partner replied with his face all bloody, "What is piñata?"

Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says to the other one, "I've lost an electron!" The 2nd atom replies, "Are you sure?" "I'm positive."

A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5." The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer. The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50." The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?" The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?" The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."

Gerald and Harold were twins that were inseparable, share and share alike and exact duplicates in everything. As they grew older they had the same hobbies, including fishing. However, when fishing Gerald never seemed to catch fish and Harold always had "fishermen's luck". One night Gerald stole out of the house with his brother's rod and reel. He went to the exact spot where Harold had caught a dozen trout that afternoon. He fished and fished with not even a nibble. Just as he was packing to leave a trout leaped out of the water in a perfect arch and cried out solicitously, "Your brother isn't ill I hope?"

For the second week in a row, my son and I were the only ones who showed up for his soccer team’s practice. Frustrated I told him, “Please tell your coach that we keep coming for practice, but no one is ever here.” My son rolled his eyes and said, ”He’ll just tell me the same thing he did before.” “Which was?” “That practice is now on Wednesdays, not Tuesdays.”

"Now, you got to keep away from this guy," the trainer whispered to his fighter. "Jab him and get away or he'll use his right. Don't let him get set up to use his right." "I understand," said the fighter. "I'll do just like you say. Suppose he does get his right going and hits me clean. What do I do?" "Nothing," replied the trainer. "Just relax and the referee and I will carry you to your corner."

My diary has had some very interesting entries during Corona-virus. As a sportsman, many of my entries during the suspension of sports have been sport oriented... For example, here is my entry for April 17, 2020: “Day 37 of no sports. Watching birds fight over worms. Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1.”

With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports tv outlet decided to televise the World Origami Championship… It’s on Paperview!

A woman turned to her boyfriend after yet another long game in a cold stadium and asked, "Why on earth do you like professional sports so much?" "Look at it this way," he said. "Where else can we boo millionaires to their faces?"

A guy bet against his friend who was boxing but his friend won. "You bet against me?!" his friend asked. "Yeah, but you double crossed me and decided to actually win this time!"

During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete. “No, I’m not,” I assured him. “Yeah, you probably prefer men who eat quiche,” he joked. “Actually, I prefer men who can spell quiche.”

Why is Cinderella bad at soccer? Because she’s always running away from the ball.

During the recent winter Olympus the leading downhill skier. was told he had a temperature. "How high is it doctor?" he wanted to know. "A hundred and one..." "What's the world record?"

I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill... People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

Man: ”They’ll be changing the metric system soon!” Boy: ”Uh, what’s that?” Man: ”They’ll be changing feet to meters! Boy: ”You mean, we'll be playing meterball?”

Luke: I remember the time I played against Yale in football. What a game it was." Mark: "What position did you play?" Luke: "In the first game I was left...." Mark: "End?" Luke: "Left out. In the second half I was back...." Mark: "You were back in?" Luke: "No, way back."

I've seen plenty of batting slumps," the manager told one of his coaches. "But I've never had a whole lineup in a slump before." The team had lost 10 of its last 20 games, scoring only eight runs during that whole stretch. The best they'd done was four hits in a game. "We have to try something different," the manager said to his batting coach. "What do you have in mind?" the batting coach asked warily. "I'm going into the batting cage myself," the manager said. The coach tried to talk him out of it. But the manager was desperate, willing to try anything. With the whole team watching, the coach swung at the first pitch and missed. He missed the second pitch. Ditto the third, fourth, and fifth. On the sixth pitch, he just nicked the ball, which dribbled back to the pitcher's mound. The manager slammed his bat to the ground, turned around, and stared at his players. "That's how you guys look at the plate!" he yelled. "Now get up there and HIT the ball!"

Overheard at the race track... Bettor: “I’m betting on a horse that is 20 to 1 and I can’t lose. Friend: “What do you mean 'you can’t lose’?” Bettor: “I can’t lose, the horse is starting at 20 to 1 and the race doesn’t start till 1.”

If at first you don't succeed... There's always second base!

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

Why was the leper hockey game cancelled? There was a face off in the corner.

Two guys sitting in a football stadium waiting for the game to start. One turns to the other and says, “I hope the rain keeps up!” “Oh, why?” “So it doesn’t come down!”

Little Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Canada. On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, "The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!" Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did."

I was sitting behind an enthusiastic mom at my son’s Little League game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after wild pitch. The poor kid walked every batter. It was only the first inning and the score was 12–0. Then one batter finally hit the ball. "Oh no," the mom wailed. "There goes his no-hitter."

A walker was ambling along a jogging course, when he stopped to fill up his one quart water bottle. When the bottle was almost filled, a runner came by and snatched the almost full bottle. The startled walker began to follow the jogger in order to get his bottle back. Hence the term: "Follow the liter!"

"These are the proper names for the parts of the golf course," a father instructed his ten year old. You start at the tee, walk down the fairway and put your ball in the hole on the green. "But dad, what do you call that part where your ball gets lost in the tall grass?" his son asked. "Oh that's what I call the un-fairway," he replied.

What do the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Titanic have in common? They both looked good until they hit the ice!