Jokes

Q: What do you call it when an astronaut gets sick after eating? A: Launching his lunch!

An interesting exchange between two geniuses, Einstein said to Chaplin: “What I most admire about your art… You don’t say a word, and the rest of the world understands you.” "It is true", answered Chaplin, "but your glory is even greater. The whole world admires you, even though they don’t understand a word of what you say!"

Two men (a Russian and an American) were talking about their countries' accomplishments. The Russian says, "We were the first to go into Space." The American replies, "Well, we were the first to land on the moon." Sick of their arrogance, another man comes over and says, "Oh yeah! Well, I'm gonna be the first one on the Sun!" The Russian and American both laugh saying, "You can't go to the Sun. It's too hot. You'll burn up" The man confidently replies, "I'm not an idiot. I'll just go at night!"

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

There were three astronauts, a Russian, an American, and a Not-So-Bright American. The Russian says we were the first in space. The American says we were the first on the Moon. The Not-So-Bright American says I will be the first to land on the sun. The other two look at her and say, "The sun! Wont you burn up?" She says, "Well duh! We are going to land on it at night."

A science teacher walked by Taipei 101 and saw a man on top of the building ready to jump.He quickly shouted out "Don't do it!! You have so much potential!!"

An Australian Professor was conducting a research on crocodiles along the Sepik River and was escorted by a villager who knew a lot about the river and crocodiles. Paddling up the river, the Professor asked the village escort, "do you know how to read?" asked the Professor. The Villager replied, "nogat eh". The professor then said, "well, then you are already dead because you know nothing". The villager was so upset that he paddled the canoe without saying a word.A little up the river, the villager then asked the professor, "do you know swimiology?" The professor replied, "No". "Well then, you are dead," said the villager. "Because, if the canoeology is sinkology, you will not swimology, and the crocodiology will eatology your assology."

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned...

A scientist finally realizes his dream of creating a formula for becoming invisible. Entering the family home, he trips over a mysterious unseeable lump. The mystery quickly unraveled after finding a note left by his less scientific sibling written as follows: Dear Brother, Hope you don’t mind. I’ve borrowed your formula to do some tests of my own. First, I will run through walls! Second...

What's E.T. short for? So he can fit in the spaceship.

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor stores? Because they would steal all the BOOS!

During a long road trip, what did the zombie son ask his zombie father from the back seat of their car? "Hey dad, are we dead yet?"

Shrink: "In your own words, please describe how you see yourself? Me: "Reverse Tardis." Shrink: "And why is that?" Me: "Bigger on the outside." Shrink: "And how does your wife see you?" Me: "Same way, different perspective." Shrink: "And how's that?" Me (tears in eyes): "Smaller on the inside."

I found an ugly creature dead in my son's bedroom. My son said it was an alien brain sucker. Apparently it starved to death.

First Martian: That girl over there rolled her eyes at me. What should I do? Second Martian: If you were a real gentleman, you'd pick them and roll them back to her!

What do you call the Oracle from The Matrix movie, without her guardian? She's Sans Serif

Two aliens landed their spacecraft in a creek next to a rural farm. They disembarked the saucer, getting themselves soaked from the muddy water. The first person the aliens saw was a ten year old boy fishing close by. The aliens said, "We want to see your leader but we don't know what to expect?" The boy replied, "Well, I suspect you'll get grounded for two weeks for tracking mud in the house."

How do you know if you have a galactic apple? It is one if it has a worm hole in it!

What did the planet get in karate? An asteroid belt!

I've always wondered how cool it would be to go to outer space, the Doc said I need to find my inner space first!

Do you think there is intelligent life on Mars? Ask John. I sure do, replied Bob; you don’t see them spending billions of dollars to come here, do you?

A skeleton walks down empty Main Street. Suddenly he sees another skeleton carrying a gravestone. "Hey, what are you doing?” the other skeleton answers "Just strolling", "Why do have the gravestone, buddy?", "Because I always want to have some ID”.

How can this be? Scientists say the world began with a Big Bang 13 billion years ago. All mankind got hit on the back of the head, and now astronomers see stars Millions of Light years away.

Why do these 2 relationships differ so much: the orbital relationship between the earth and sun and that of a tether ball and it's pole?....... .......that of the sun and earth is a no strings attatched relationship and the other is not!

I heard this story in the late seventies. Just prior to a manned launch an insect was heard in the superstructure of the rocket. The risk analysis and decision had to be made to launch or to delay the launch and purge the insect. The risk was negligible so the rocket launch. The insect was dubbed the Gemini Cricket.

In today's news...32 more planets were found outside of our solar system bringing the total to 400. And..., not a sign of intelligent life, not even here.

In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation. "Where are you from?" the one asked. "I'm from Alpha Century," he answered. "Where are you from?" "I'm from Earth" was the answer. "I know someone from earth," the Alpha Centurion said. "John Smith. Do you know him?"

Two molecules are walking down the street and one starts looking around. The other asks, "What's wrong?" "I have lost my electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

What did the moon say to the sun? So big and cant come out at night!