Jokes

Teacher: "Which is the best month to study?" Student: "Octembruary." Teacher: "Don't be silly. There's no month like that." Student: "Exactly...."

Teacher: At the end of this ruler is a stupid student (pointing at student). Narrator: The student got detention for say "Which end?"

A fifth grader class was on an educational field trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. “Why are you lying in the aisle like that?” “Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”

How are you getting on with your exams?” “Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!”

TEACHER: Give me the opposite of this sentence…. “CHILDREN IN THE DARK MAKES MISTAKES.” TASYA: Mistakes in the dark can make children!

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question, can go home." One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: "Who just threw that?" Boy: "Me, and now I’m going home."

Two Hillbillies meet after an English exam: Ey' how was the paper? Oh it was just great, but I forgot the past tense of "THINK". I thought and thought for a long time, finally I just wrote "THUNK" Ha ha ha, you are very silly, I thought about that for a while but I know the answer is "Thonk" And what about the past tense of "Write" Mmmm, I don't remember what i wrote on that one, I think I wrote "Written" Well, let's hope you are right, I did not bother with the past tense of "GO", I just wrote "GOED" and went to submit my paper.

The Professor was teaching his students, and asked them "What's the difference between complete and finished"? The students all look amazed, with no answers Well says the Professor "if you marry the right person, your life is complete" However if you marry the wrong person, you life is finished BUT if you sleep with the wrong person and the right person finds out? You are completely finished!

There was a kid who wouldn't learn the letters of the alphabet, so his teacher said 'go home, and learn the letters!' He went home and asked his sister "What's the first letter?" She said "Shut up!" Then he asked "what's the second letter?" She was singing along with the radio, so she said "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Then he went to see his dad, who was watching football, and said "What's the third letter?" His dad said "Go! Go! Go!" "What's the fourth letter?" "64! 64! 64!" Then he went to see his brother, who was watching TV, and said "What's the sixth letter?" His brother ignored him while watching TV and said "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!" The next day the teacher said. "Okay, what's the first letter?""Shut up!""Are you trying to get in trouble?""Yeah, yeah, yeah!""Do you want to go to the principal's office?""Go! Go! Go!""How many spankings do you want?"64! 64! 64!""Who do you think you are?""na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"

A kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page illustrating several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, “What flag is this?” Little Sue called out, “That’s the flag of our country.” “Very good,” the teacher said. “And what’s the name of our country?” Little Sue answered, “Tis of thee.”

On the first day of school, Peter handed his new teacher a note from his mother. The teacher unsealed the note, read it, looked at Peter with a frown, and placed the note inside a desk drawer. “So what did she write?” Peter asked. “It’s a disclaimer.” “A what?” “It says, ‘ The opinions expressed by Peter are not necessarily those of his mother or father,’”

A professor at a museum noticed his tomb exhibit was empty. He walks by a little boy who is lost and crying. He asked the boy what's wrong. "I want my mommy!" the boy sniffed. The professor said, "I know how you feel, I want my mummy too!"

I was asking my friend at what point did Celsius and Fahrenheit become the same. One of my other buddies quickly chimed in, "-40 degrees..." Impressed I said, "I didn't know you were so knowledgeable in weather science?" "I'm not," he said. "But I have been to Minnesota."

What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change? An Al-Gore-rhythm!

An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve infectious diseases here.” The infectious disease says, “Well, you’re not a very good host.”

My local college just announced the end of a scientific study... Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

A man is convinced he has telekinesis. A group of scientists finally agree to test his claim. The man is placed in a room with a cup on an edge of a table. The scientists tell the man to knock the cup off the table using the telekinesis. The man stares with complete and utter focus but with no results. For weeks the experiment continues, the man sits there staring at the cup with relentless ferocity but nothing happens. Suddenly, without warning, an earthquake strikes, shaking the table and causing the cup to slide off and come crashing down onto the floor. At that, the man turns to the scientists with a smile and says, “See!” The scientists say, “Yeah, but you didn’t cause the cup to fall, the earthquake did.” The man says, ”What do you think caused the earthquake?”

What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms? "He-He!"

What is the name of the first electricity detective? Sherlock Ohms!

A male brain and a female brain were for sale at a scientist convention. Which brain was more expensive? The male brain was more expensive because it had never been used.

What did the vet say when Schrodinger went to pick up his cat? "I have good news and bad news..."

Why are chemists bad at playing pranks? They lack the element of surprise.

I found a method that I can drop an egg from 6 feet and have it not break... Drop it from 7 feet! (It won't break those first 6 feet!)

A chemist's favorite carnival ride is... The Ferrous Wheel!

What do you call someone who steals energy? a Joule thief.

What would you call a remake of TRON? NEUTRON.

A father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came to tour the school on Parents’ Day, and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. “What are you working on, son?" “A universal solvent,” explained his son. “A solvent that’ll dissolve anything." His father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, “What will you keep it in?”

A chemist's favorite drink is... CoFe2.

Occam's razor: The simplest solution is probably correct. Occam's chainsaw: If it were that simple I wouldn't have a problem.

Why don't magnets fall in love? Because their prospective mates are polar opposites.