Jokes

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyways."

Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?" Students: "Eggs!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?" Students: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Students: "Homework!"

When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. “For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk.” “I don’t understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?” The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”

The school floor is so dirty that I feel like I'm walking on the beach, there’s sand, beer cans, dead fish, and beached whales.

Whomever put the first 'r' in February must have put the first 'd' in Wednesday.

When I was young, I was assigned a book report on any book of my choosing. So I read the phone book and for my report I wrote, "This book hasn't much of a plot, but it does have a lot of characters!"

There was a lady going to the bathroom. As she was on her way, 2 students followed her eagerly to ask a question. As she was entering the bathroom one of the students asked her: "Is this your office Ma'am?" She answered: "My office is the other way, this is my other office"

Johnny entered class and was surprised by a pop quiz for which he was not prepared. He answered all ten questions with, "Only God knows." Grade: God 100 - Johnny 0

Father: You better pass that exam or else forget that I'm your father. Son: Ok, dad. Next day Father: How was your exam? Son: Who are you?

Teacher: Suppose you have $10 and you asked your brother for $5. How much would you have then? Student: $10. Teacher: Why? Student: My brother won't give me any money.

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I did not do?" TEACHER:" Of course not." PUPIL: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."

Teacher: Why are you late, John? John: Because of the sign down the road. Teacher: What does sign have to do with you being late? John: The sign said 'School Ahead, Go SLOW!'

Two young men applied for an engineering job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, they missed only one question. The manager went up to one of the guys and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." The engineer said, "But why, we both got nine questions right?" The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed." The engineer asked, "And how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied, "Simple, the other engineer put down on question number five, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I'."

Little Kelvin's darkest day was when he was asked by his mathematics teacher to solve a problem on the board. The question was asking for the answer to 2+3. He knew he couldn't solve that so he glanced towards his bright friend for help. His friend willing to help but fearing to speak out loud, showed him his palm as a silent indication to the answer. So little Kelvin drew the palm.

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing on my bagpipes."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students: "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory is to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Second violation will be a $60 fine. Third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?" The little girl said, "Happy Butt." The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt" what's the difference?

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. She tried pulling and pushing, but the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

It was the toughest experience of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. Realizing that perhaps I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at new medical office. The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

After having failed his exam in Logistics and Organization, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student, “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?” Professor, “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!” Student, “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an ‘A’ for the exam.” Professor, “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?” Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?” Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an ‘A’, as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers, “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an ‘A’, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.

A student decides he wants to skip school one day Student (on phone): Hello. I am calling to inform the school that my son will not be able to attend school today. School: And who is this? Student: This is my mom!

On a Chemistry exam at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder spill. In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased with my grasp of molecular structure until the exams were handed back. L Our teacher asked another student to read her answer. She suggested a broom and a dustpan to sweep up the spill -- and got full credit.

Teacher: You are suppose to come at 7am! Student: What?! What happened on 7am? What did I miss?

Little Johnny's dad drove Johnny to boarding school and leaves him there. For the following week however, Johnny misses school. When Johnny returned to school the next week the teacher asks Johnny why he had missed class for a week. Johnny replied that his dad passed away and he had to attend to his funeral. The following week, Johnny's dad comes to visit Johnny at school and was directed to Johnny's classroom. While at the door, Johnny's dad knocks and says “Excuse me sir, I am here to see my son, Johnny. I am his dad." Teacher surprised and confused asks, "Are you Johnny's real dad? I thought Johnny's father had passed away?" Johnny's Father is confused. The teacher realized what was going on. So he quickly turns to the class and calls out “Johnny, your dead father is here to see you." Johnny's heart beats faster and he grows small, but looks up to the teacher and whispers "How the heck did he came back alive."

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Student: A teacher.

New way of writing answers in exams If you don’t know the answer, then put lines like this: |||||||||| and write below: “Scratch here for ANSWERS”.

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E. One boy says: “Elephant.” Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T. The same boys says: “Two elephants.” The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M. The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Emailing professors be like: *polite greeting *multiple paragraphs *perfect grammar Professor's reply: ''Sure." -Sent from my iPhone