Jokes

In high school, two boys, two friends (one Spanish and one American), were talking about the grades they received in their classes. American boy: "You got an F in Spanish! How could that happen? Spanish is what you speak at home and stuff." Spanish boy: "Probably the same way you got an F in English."

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice." At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, "Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting."

At Cambridge University, a bright young student showed up for the exam and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me cakes and ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section that read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting in examinations may request and require cakes and ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily eating and slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Hanging in the hallway at a high school are the basketball team pictures from the past decades. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "92-93," "93-94," "94-95," etc. One day the principal spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to the principal, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"

Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why not?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker’s ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college. "This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you." "It’s worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my Palm Pilot in there."

The day before my high school graduation, the principal called an assembly. He wanted to say farewell informally, he explained, as he reviewed our years together. There was hardly a dry eye among us as he concluded, "We will remember you, and hope you will remember us. More importantly, we want you to remember each other. I want all of you to meet in this very auditorium 25 years from today." There was a moment of silence. Then a thin voice piped up, "What time?"

This is me, when asked by my parents what my final exam grades were.... "I don't know what more they want? They give me questions I don't know, I give them answers they don't know."

Mom: What did you do at school today? Mark: We played a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam? Mark: That’s right.

Teacher: If I tear a piece of paper into four, what do I get? Student: Quarters Teacher: And if I divide it into eight? Student: Eighths Teacher: And if I divide it into eight thousand parts? Student: Confetti.

I’ll do algebra, I’ll do statistics, I’ll even do trigonometry… But graphing, THAT is where I draw the line!

A first grade teacher collected old, well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Here are the results: * Better be safe than ... Punch a 5th Grader. * It's always darkest before ... Daylight saving time. * You can lead a horse to water, but ... How? * You can't teach an old dog ... Math. * Love all, trust ... Me. * The pen is mightier than the ... Pigs. * You get out of something what you ... See pictured on the box. * When the blind leadeth the blind ... Get out of the way. * There is no fool like ... Aunt Eddie.

What do you call a stoner who is completing their PhD? A Hypothesis

The following was the answering machine message for an elementary school: "Hello! You have reached your child's elementary school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1. To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2. To complain about what we do - Press 3. To cuss out staff members - Press 4. To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5. If you want us to raise your child - Press 6. If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7. To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8. To complain about bus transportation - Press 9. To complain about school lunches - Press 0. If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up, and have a nice day!"

8. "Thank goodness for these evaluations. They keep me focused." 7. "I can't BELIEVE I get paid for this!" 6. "Here class... just put all your gym shoes in this box next to my desk." 5. "I bet all the people in our administration really miss teaching." 4. "Gosh, the bathroom smells so fresh and clean!" 3. "It must be true... the school news said so." 2. "I think the discipline around here is just a LITTLE too strict!" 1. "It's Friday already!!!"

Back when I went to college, the female dormitory was out-of-bounds for all male students, as was the male dormitory to the female students.It was explained to us during orientation that anybody caught breaking this rule would be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time would be fined $60. Being caught a third time incurred a hefty fine of $180. Then we were asked, “Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired. "Er... How much for a season pass?"

My brother spent all of the “fun money” our parents had allotted halfway through his first semester at college. He sent this text to our dad: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son. Our dad replied with: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

Dad: You're telling me your entire class got an A in philosophy? How? Son: We proved the professor didn't exist. What could she do?

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around apples for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have an apple." "I don't freakin' want one," declared Johnny. The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your apple." "I don't freakin' want one," stated Little Johnny again. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?" "So?" said his mother, "Don't freakin' give him one."

A college coach had recruited a top talent, but the player couldn't pass the school's entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office. "Okay," the dean said. "What is seven times seven?" The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, "I think it's 49." Suddenly the coach leapt to his feet. "Please, Dean," he begged, "give him another chance!"

Parallel lines have so much in common... It's a shame they will never meet.

Why are kindergarten teachers so optimistic? Because every day they try to make the little things count.

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school. He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade. "I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Student 1: "My professor told me my assignment was to get up in front of the whole class and give a talk on the round, light pinkish colored, fuzzy skinned fruit which is the nickname for the state of Georgia." Student 2: "Oh, in other words, you're going to give a SPEACH?"

Whenever you think you would like to go back to your teenage years... think of Algebra!

A delinquent student returns a book to the library, bangs it on the counter and yells, “I read this entire novel! It is badly written with different handwritings, contains too many names of people and no story at all. Take your book and note that I would not pay any fine for late return!" The Librarian looks up and responds, “Idiot, so you are the one who took the Attendance book?"

A university student named Jesse was taking a psychology course. Throughout the semester he was not doing very well on his exams and papers. It came time for finals and he studied very hard, knowing that it would be a one question test. To receive a good grade on the test the students had to write everything they knew on the test subject. The day came for the test and the students, especially Jesse, were very nervous. The professor came in and started the test, which consisted of one question: "What is it to be courageous?" All of the students started writing frantically. Jesse sat there for a while and simply wrote: "This is being courageous." He then turned in his test. Jesse received the only A in the class.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

The Feron psychiatric hospital was also a teaching and research institute. Today marked the first day of a new semester. After the students arrived in class, Professor McDoogle introduced herself. She then said, "Please take out a blank sheet of paper and write down you’re deepest thoughts concerning this question: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" The students seemed to be rather puzzled and some even started to giggle a little bit. This was swiftly ended by a stern word from the teacher explaining this paper would result in a third of their grade. She went on to say it may be the most important object lesson they’ll ever learn during their education process. Realizing this was serious and must hold profound meaning far beyond the questions exterior. At this the students began to bare down and search for a solution with great veracity. Forty five minutes later the students were producing pages of written dialog. Each thought seemed to pose deeper and more complex avenues of discovery as their quest intensified in epic proportion. Just then an orderly poked his head into the classroom. "There you are, Mrs. McDoogle, we’ve been worried about you. I see you’ve been switching class room numbers again!"