Jokes

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?" Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?" He lifted his head and replied, "I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

One morning a call came in to the school office. "Hello, please mark William absent today. He's sick," said the caller. "Okay," said the receptionist. "May I ask who is speaking?" "My uncle," said William.

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t excited about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student. “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were dumb fools? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan.”

A mother complained to my wife, a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils. “It’s not the money, it’s the principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.”

I don’t want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me. “Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said. “Hi, Eddie,” she replied. “So you do remember me?” I asked. “Sure. You don’t always leave a good impression, but you definitely leave a lasting one.”

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." "It's Mrs. Dull's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

TEACHER: How many feet are there in a yard? STUDENT: It depends. If there are 3 people, then we have six feet!

Boy 1: "As long as you are in school, two things will always be your friends." Boy 2: "Who are they? Boy1: "Classwork and Homework!"

Mother: “Why are you home from school so early?” Son: “I was the only one who could answer a question.” Mother: “Oh, really? What was the question?” Son: “Who threw the eraser at the principal.”

Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!

Son: "Excuse me daddy, but what is the twenty fifth letter of the alphabet?" Dad: "Y." Son: "Because I need to know for my test tomorrow."

*In class* Teacher: "Jay,why are you down today?" Jay: "Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad is at the police station." Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?" Jay: "Yes, please." After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher asks the other classmates, "Why is Jay's father at the police station and the mother at the hospital?" Classmate: "Because his father is a policeman and his mom's a nurse."

Teacher: Where is Sparta these days? Student: On a map.

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school. "Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked. "She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company and I'm keeping her home."

A fifth grade science teacher began her discussion of atoms by saying, "Never trust an atom... they make up everything!"

Mary's fourth-grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal meant you saved something. Her paper read... Frugal: to save Sentence: Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out. She yelled "Frugal me, Frugal me!"

Father: "Son, what is this 'F' in your report card? Huh?" Son: (thinking) "Well, 'F' means Fassed!" Father: "Ah, okay. And here I thought it was for Ferfect!"

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center. But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."

During a test... People look up for inspiration, Look down in desperation, And left and right for information!

When I was in elementary school, I learned about exaggeration. I had like ten thousand tests on it and my teacher would kill me if I didn't spell it right.

Teacher: When does three come before two? Student: In the dictionary!

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a nature history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?" One child was ready with the answer, "They don't have a union?"

Summer vacation was over and young Jack returned to school. Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," mother said. "I had Jack with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class. She called on her and said, "Daphne! What are 2 and 4, and 28 and 44?" Daphne quickly replied, "ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

A student in chemistry class was instructed to create a new substance by mixing some special ingredient with water.But the student chose the wrong ingredient and the teacher realized mixing it with water would create an explosion. He stopped the student and asked him to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the ingredient. The student wanted to know what that would accomplish. The teacher answered, "It will give me time to get away."

The teacher asks Joanie, "If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter and another quarter and then another quarter, how much would you have left?" Joanie replies, "A million dollars minus 75 cents."

A child comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly. One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." Her little brother piped up, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom???"