Jokes

Teacher: "Have you ever seen a humming bird?" Student: "No, but I have watched a spelling bee!"

Teacher: "You cannot sleep in my class!" Student: "Well ma'am, I could if you were a little quieter."

Teacher: "Class, we'll have only half a day of school today morning." Students: "Yaaayyy!" Teacher: "We'll have the other half this afternoon."

Why was school so much easier for cave people? Because they had no history to study!

Why did my local school sell YEAST? To raise some DOUGH!

Little Anne came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!" "That's great sweetheart!" said her daddy. "Come into the living room and tell me about it," daddy continued. Little Anne said, "Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science."

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."

At the end of last semester, a fellow student complained about how he failed the English course. The teacher invited him to write a formal letter of complaint to the principal. I glanced at his letter to see how it was going. His first sentence read, "Dear Principle, it is infair and unposible that I faled english."

The engineering students conspired to make fun of the professor, Mr. Lawrence. They went up to him and said, “Sir, We have invented a device which can help one see through a solid wall.” Mr. Lawrence asked, “Really? What is that?” One student said, “A hole.”

Teacher: "You are the only one in the entire class who makes so many mistakes in the homework assignment." Student: "That is not true, I am not the only one. My parents are involved in this as well!"

Why did the triangle refuse to be friends with the circle? It found the circle pointless.

"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?" "One dollar." "You don't know your arithmetic." "You don't know my father!"

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin pi!

The River Ravi flows in which state? A liquid one.

In which battle did Napoleon Die? His last one!

A student writes his answers as: |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Below it he then writes: Answers are written in barcode to protect them from being copied.

School supplies now a days: 1. Cellphone 2. Charger 3. Headphones 4. iPod 5. Food 6. Money 7. Copied homework

Professor (picking on a sleepy student): "Name two pronouns." Student (yawning): "Who? Me?" Professor: "Very good, and here I thought you were inattentive."

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R" and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare." In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates - many of them already laughing - then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."

What’s the first thing sea animals learn in school? Their A-B-Seas.

"Why is your book so old?" "What do you expect, it's my history book!"

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?” Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.” Little Johnny is relieved, “Okay, Mrs Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn't do my homework last night."

"Did you know that 4 out of 3 people can’t do basic math skills?"

Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver. Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the "Print" command. The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report. The topic? "Save Our Trees."

"Guess what?" yelled my high schooler as he burst through the door. "I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn’t even know we were having." "That’s great!" I said. "But why didn’t you know about the quiz?" "Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish."

Question on second-grade math quiz: "Tony drank 1/6 of a glass of juice. Emily drank 1/4 of a glass of juice. Emily drank more. Explain." My grandson’s answer: "She was more thirsty."

My fellow teacher called for help—she needed someone who knew about animals. As a science teacher, I filled the bill. "Oh," she added, "bring a net." Expecting to find some kind of beast as I entered her classroom, I was greeted instead by the sight of excited kids watching a hummingbird fly around. Rather than use the net, I suggested they hang red paper by an open door. The bird would be drawn to it, I explained, and eventually fly out. Later, the teacher called back. The trick worked. "Now," she said, "we have two hummingbirds flying around the room."

When I became a licensed chiropractor, I moved back to my hometown and soon had a thriving practice. One morning I saw a new patient whom I recognized as my old high school principal. "Gee," I said nervously, "I’m a little surprised to see you here." "Why?" he replied. "You certainly spent a great deal of time in my office."

After registering for his high school classes, my son burst into the house, filled with excitement. "Dad," he announced in one breath, "I got all the classes I wanted. But I have to have my school supplies by tomorrow. I need a protractor and a compass for geometry, a dictionary for English, a dissecting kit for biology—and a car for driver’s ed."