Jokes

Me: My sister graduated from college. I wish you could have been there. She wore a cap and nightgown. Bob: A nightgown? Me: Yeah. She went to night school.

Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration. "He's a magician," said the new boy. "How exciting. What's his best trick?" "He saws people in half." "How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?" "Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."

Sam: I’m having a lot of trouble with eczema, teacher. Teacher: Heavens, where do you have it? Sam: I don’t have it, I just can’t spell it.

Little Johnny came home from his first day at school. Little Johnny: I’m not going back tomorrow! Mom: Why not, what happened? Little Johnny: Well, I cant read and I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk—so what’s the use?

A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty words about an automobile. She submitted the following: "My uncle bought an automobile. He was riding in the country when it busted going up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not for publication."

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!" The mom reacts, and takes a deep breath. "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!" The mom grabs the book and takes a look. Her son was right, the book read "African Elephant".

How do you know when you've really reached a mathematician's voice mail? "The subscript you have dialed is syntaxed error at the moment, please rotate your calculator to 90 degrees and redial again."

The homework assignment for my Spanish class was to write a paragraph. When I returned their papers, I asked one student if he had used Google Translate or any other online translator to write his paper. He categorically denied doing so. That led to my next question, “Then why is this in French?”

Teacher: "How much is half of 8?" Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?" Teacher: "What do you mean?" Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!"

Teacher: "Why are you late this morning?" Student: "Its my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!" Teacher: How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?" Student: "There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was only set for seven."

A little boy in my infant class came into school and told me he could spell his mum’s name. “M-U-M,” he said proudly. Before I could congratulate him, another little boy said excitedly, “That’s how you spell my mum’s name too!”

It was time for the final and the student depending upon getting at least one right answer on the chemistry test. The question was "If H2O is water, what is H2O4?" This was a quick question for most, but it took the student some thinking time. Finally, he wrote down his answer: For drinking, washing, and cleaning.

Homework! Oh, Homework! I hate you! You stink! I wish I could wash you away in the sink, if only a bomb would explode you to bits. Homework! Oh, homework! You're giving me fits. I'd rather take baths with a man-eating shark, or wrestle a lion alone in the dark, eat spinach and liver, pet ten porcupines, than tackle the homework, my teacher assigns. Homework! Oh, homework! you're last on my list, I simply can't see why you even exist, if you just disappeared it would tickle me pink. Homework! Oh, homework! I hate you! You stink!

First grade teacher: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is 'gross' and the other is 'cool.'" Rachel: "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys. He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class. Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked. "Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply. Exasperated, the teacher stated, "That's why I gave you two." "We tried the other one," a student said, "but it wouldn't reach either."

When I was growing up, I used to watch M*A*S*H. It was on for eleven seasons. It was about the Korean War. Years later in high school, in my history class, the teacher asked us, “How long did the Korean War last?” I raised my hand, and answered, “Eleven years.” Needless to say, I got an F in history.

While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room. Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner. A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a new computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?" Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"

A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings. "This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies." "I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."

I had a question for my English as a second language teacher... Me: This word confuses me, can you give me a sentence using 'apparently'? Teacher: Apparently, you don’t know what apparently means.

How do science teachers freshen their breath? With experi-mints!

The more I study, The more I know. The more I know, The more I forget. The more I forget, The less I know. So why study?

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The class used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

Teacher: "Okay class let's start by sharing our dreams. What's yours David?" David: "My dream is to earn $20,000 a month like my dad." Teacher: "Wow! Your dad earns that much?" David: "No ma'am, that's also my dad's dream."

Tommy had reached school age. His Mom worked hard to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet, and so on. The first day of school, he eagerly set off. When he came back home he had a lot of glowing reports about school! Next morning his Mom woke him up saying, "Tommy, it's time to get ready for school." Tommy said, "What? Again?"

Teacher: "Make a sentence that starts with 'I'." Bobby: "I is..." Teacher: "No, Bobby. You should say 'I am', never 'I is'." Bobby: "Okay. I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."

The teacher asks: "Now, Susan, how many fingers have you?" Susan: "Ten." Teacher: "Right. Now if you lost four of them, what would you have?" Susan: "No more piano lessons."

Boy: "Teacher, can I ask you a question?" Teacher: "Good job, you just did."