Jokes

Ford: It’s affordable so why not. Dodge: Last forever because it’s always dodging the wrecks. Ram: Built tough to withstand ramming stuff. Chevy: Was really gonna be called “Heavy”, but was later decided on Chevy because it sounded better for a car company.

A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps. "Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home?!" The kid replied, "She is, but this isn't where I live."

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn’t want to spend a lot of money. “How much do they cost?” he asked the salesman. “Anywhere from $2 to $2,000.” “Can I see the $2 model?” said the customer. The salesman put the device around the man’s neck and said, “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket.” “How does it work?” asked the customer. “For $2, it doesn’t work,” said the salesman. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!”

My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience" he wrote "lifeguard." That was it. Nothing else. "We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself as well," said the hiring manager. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?" My friend replied, "I couldn't swim." He got the job.

A young salesperson peeped into the office of someone who looked like a sales manager, muttered something, then started walking away. After retreating a little he seemed to change his mind and headed back to the door -- where after some hesitation, he started to back away again. The sales manager, feeling sorry for the young man, and surprised that he was so badly trained, called him in. "You're a salesperson aren't you? What are you selling?" "Sir ... uh ... yes ... I'm a salesman. I'm sorry to bother you. I was selling insurance, but I'm sure you don't want any. Sorry to have wasted your time." Feeling sorry for the young bungler, the sales manager bought two policies to give the young salesman some confidence and then started teaching him about selling. He said: "You should have different pre-planned approaches for different kinds of—" "But I do, sir,” the young salesman interrupted, “the one I just used is my planned approach for sales managers. It always works. Thank you!"

I ordered from a catalog product number 699. Today, I I received a package with the number 669 on the side. I called customer service and my they told me to turn the package over.

A saleswoman is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." "Don't you have a phone in your car?" "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." "Uh... how's that working?" "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." "And why do you think that is?" "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.” Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, “The curlers are on me.”

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says. "Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

An old man walked into a car showroom and found the car he wanted to buy. He requested that the salesman not sell the particular model till the next day, since he wanted to buy it on his birthday. The salesman gave his word. The next day the old man visited the showroom only to find the car being sold to a young lady. The young lady looked really gorgeous. The old man asked the salesman, "I told you to keep this car on hold. Not only didn't you keep your word, you also sold it at a discounted rate." The salesman replied, "She insisted to buy only this car, and with a discount. Look how beautiful she is? How could I say no to her?" The young lady walked up to the old man, gave the car keys to him and said, "Didn't I tell you they'd give me a discount? Happy birthday Dad!"

Myra was going to the office party but needed a new party dress. In the clothing store she asked, "May I try on that dress in the window, please?" "Certainly not, madam,'" responded the salesgirl. "You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."

Why did the shoe salesman dance all day? He had a lot of sole.

Used car salesperson to customer: How would you like to buy a car with zero down and zero per month? Customer: (slight pause) For how many months?

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes that are clearly undersized for him. The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here that you'll need much bigger shoes than that." The guy says, "That's OK, please bring me the smaller ones." The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?" He says to the salesman, "I work a boring job, my mother-in-law has just moved in with us, my wife is nagging all the time, and our daughter does nothing but run around screaming the whole day. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these tight shoes."

"This house," said the real estate salesperson, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

A novelty store owner called a recent customer. "Mr. Jones? This is Mr. Peters, the owner of Peter's Novelties. Remember that boomerang you bought the other day? You paid for your purchase with a check, and unfortunately the check came back." "You're lucky," replied the customer. "My boomerang didn't."

A man walked into a game and toy store looking for a challenging board puzzle so he asked the clerk for just such a puzzle. The clerk replied, "Well sir, it depends on what you consider to be challenging?" The man replied, "What do you mean it depends on me, I didn't make the puzzle so how am I supposed to know if it's challenging? Don't you know your products young man?" The clerk replied, "Well sir, it tells you on the box how complex the puzzle is. Lets see here, oh yes, this one should be perfect. Right here on the front of the box it says it takes 3-4 ages to complete."

Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.

I sell ammunition. My motto is, "ALWAYS leave them wanting more!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. The cashier ask him if he wants a bag. He replies, "No, she's not that ugly."

To get a massive and immediate attention from a buyer, the Vacuum Cleaner salesman opens a bag of horse manure and spreads it all over the carpet. Then he says to the possible buyer with confidence, "Mrs. if this vacuum cleaner can't clean all that manure I will eat the rest!" The lady asks, "Do you want ketchup with that?" Why the salesman ask? "Because we just moved in and we don't have electricity yet!"

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water. “What kind of salesman are you?” the boss scolded. “Get out there and sell him a boat.”

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes. He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers. He laid out his chips and dip. His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled. The salesman replied "IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?" 

One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. "What is that?" Mikey asked. "It's a thermos," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked. "It's a thermos," Mikey replied. "What does it do?" they asked. "Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "What do ya got in it?" To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

A travelling salesman was passing through a small town in the West when he saw a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the stoop of his house. The little old man looked so contented that the salesman couldn't resist going over and talking to him. "You look as if you don't have a care in the world," the salesman told him. "What is your formula for a long and happy life?" "Well," replied the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night." "My goodness," exclaimed the salesman, "that's just great! How old are you?" "Twenty-five," was the reply.

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school. I told my nephew in Florida I couldn't believe he was going back to school. I asked what his mother would do all day now that he was in school. "Cartwheels," he answered.

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

This homeschooling is not working out... I just heard my child say, "I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year!"

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child." "Oh I'm sorry," responded the underclassman, "I didn't realize you were pregnant."