Jokes

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming."

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the head monk, "What's wrong, father?" The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, "The word is celebrate not celibate!"

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

This past Sunday Mary Ellen and Elisabeth went to the 10:30 AM service and the new pastor was long winded and his sermon was quite long. After the service was finally over, Mary Ellen said to Elisabeth, "The sermon was beautiful don't you think?". Elisabeth replied "Oh yes it was, but a bit too long. Next week I'm bringing my cushion to sit on, these benches are too hard." She continued to say, "You know Mary Ellen at one point during the sermon I thought my butt went to sleep." Mary Ellen said, "I know, I heard it snore three times."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?". "No!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Again the answer was "No!" "Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Three religious leaders walk into a bar. A Pastor, a Rabbi and a Baptist minister. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke???"

A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets sucked out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says, "I have faith, God will save me." The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says, "I have faith, God will save me." The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying, "I have faith, God will save me." The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replies, "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"

Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other. Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?" The boy just sits there and doesn't answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?" The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?" To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"

Man to priest: father, may I smoke while I'm praying? Priest : no you cannot! Lady to priest : father, can I pray while I smoke? Priest: yes you can!

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon and with great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, " And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He then sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Mother: Did you behave well in church today, Marjie? Marjie: I certainly did. A nice man offered me a plate full of money, and I said, "No thank you."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY! " John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays. "

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says, "So you're a Priest. I'm a Rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The Priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The Rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Morgen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the Priest. The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. "Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this? "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

Jesus walks into a hotel and places several nails on the counter and asks "Can you put me up for the night."

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Why worry, there only two things to worry about. Either you are well or you are sick. If you are well there is nothing to worry about. If you are sick then there are only two things to worry about. Either you will get well or you will die. If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. If you die then there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or you will go to hell. If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. If you go to hell you will be so damn busy shaking hands with your friends that you wont have time to worry.

An elderly couple go to church every Sunday. During the weekly sermon, the old man would occasionally nod off as the preacher talked. Whenever the old man nodded off, his wife would poke him with her hat pin. As the preacher was saying, "Who created the Heavens and the Earth?", the old man nodded off. His wife poked him and he shouted, "God Almighty!" The preacher answered, "Amen, brother." Ten minutes later, as the preacher was saying, "Who died on the cross for our sins?", the old man nodded off again. His wife poked him and he shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The preacher answered, "Amen, brother." Ten more minutes pass, as the preacher was saying, "What did Eve say to Adam after their first child was born?", the old man opened his eyes, looked at his wife as she was about to poke him again and said, "You stick that damn thing in me one more time and I'm gonna break it off!"

And the Lord said to John "Come forth, and you will receive an eternal life"But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What happens when you fart in church? You have to sit in your own pew.

A Texan dies and goes to Hell. Like with all new arrivals, Satan enjoys messing with the Texan. First, Satan turns the thermostat to 100 degrees with 80% humidity. Satan goes to check on the Texan only to become angry when he sees the Texan reclining in a lawn chair, sipping iced tea saying, "This is great! Just like Texas in June!" Satan decides he will turn the thermostat up to 110 degrees and 90% humidity. Satan, then, returns to his new Texas arrival only to see him still in his lawn chair, sipping iced tea saying, "This is even better! Just like Texas in July!" Satan is becoming more angry so he decides he will move the thermostat to 120 degrees and 100% humidity. Once again, Satan returns to his new arrival only to see the Texan still in his lawn chair, sipping iced tea saying, "Oh wow! Just like Texas in August!" By this time, Satan is really mad. He decides he's going to do a complete turnaround on the temperature in Hell. Satan turns the thermostat to well below freezing. Satan returns to the Texan. Satan is completely shocked by the Texan's reaction: The Texan is whooping and hollering, "Whoo Hoo!!! The Rangers just won the World Series!!!!"

3 young men met one pretty lady after church service. The men decided to introduce themselves. The first man says, I am Joseph but not the dreamer, the second man says I am John but not the Baptist and the last man says I am Abraham but not the father of nations. The pretty lady said hello to her new friends and introduced herself as Mary but not a virgin.

A Nigerian Pastor and his driver died in a car crash and went to heaven. Both of them were welcomed. The angel on duty showed the driver a 3-storey duplex of pure gold and said "this is your mansion". He showed the pastor a small wooden shed and said "this is your dwelling place!" The pastor was confused. "I don't understand", he said. "Why should my driver get a golden duplex while all I get this wooden shed for eternity? I have been a faithful preacher for several years." The angel replied, "when you preached, people slept. But whenever your driver drove, people cried to God!"

The real estate agent is following up with an elderly gentlemen after showing him a new home. Over the phone the agent indicated, "This house will be worth double what you paid for it in a few years." The older gentleman laughs, "At my age, it's a risk buying green bananas."

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "as long as I can sell the car." "Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"