Jokes

Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers. One of these speakers boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well. About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!” His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

A preacher and his two deacons go hunting and they all come upon this huge buck, all wanting to brag about their success they all shoot at it, it falls dead they all walk up to it and the game warden walks up and the deacon says how do we know which one of us shot him? The game warden says I do the preacher did, it went in one ear and out the other

A priest, a Southern Baptist preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the REST of the day praising JESUS!" The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast 6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast 00666 - Zip code of the Beast 1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please. Route 666 - Highway of the Beast 666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast 6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit. i66686 - CPU of the Beast 666i - BMW of the Beast DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast 668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

If Moses would have swallowed his pride and asked for directions, it probably would have taken them 40 years to cross the desert.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, lets see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says, "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make anyone blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm not a catholic." The nun says, "That's OK My name is Gary and I'm going to a Halloween party."

The Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crowns The Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings The Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn: There is a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn: Standing On The Promises The Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I May See The IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn: Send Out Thy Light The Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By And By For those of you who drive, if you must speed on the highway, please sing these...... 45 mph: God Will Take Care Of You 55 mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah 65 mph: Nearer My God To Thee 75 mph: Nearer Still Nearer 85 mph: This World Is Not My Home 95 mph: Lord, I'm Coming Home Over 100 mph: Precious Memories

Three pastors met & agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems which must be kept a secret between the three of them. The first pastor said; my problem is money l do steal even from the church offering. Please pray for me. The second pastor; mine is women. Whenever l see any woman my desire will be to go to bed with her, infact l have slept with most of the church (female) members. Turning to the third pastor to hear his problem he started crying (it took his friends some effort to calm him). When they asked him to continue, he was still crying, he said my problem is gossiping, when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the two of you have just told me. Please pray for me! The two pastors fainted.

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

One day a woman brings her daughter to the doctor's office to get her checked out. After the checkup, the doctor tells the mother that her daughter is pregnant. The mother exclaims, "I'll have you know that my daughter is very classy and is still a virgin!" The doctor immediately looks out the window. The mother angrily screams, "What are you doing?!" The doctor says, "Last time this happened, three men rode up that hill."

One night a priest who is driving erratically gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks him if he's been drinking. The priest says he's been drinking water all night. The cop sees a bottle of wine in the passenger seat and tells the priest what he sees. The priest then nonchalantly says to the cop, "Jesus has done it again!"

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the old Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed between the pages. “Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord told him. Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve." "Wonderful!" Adam said. "Thank you. What is the second organ?" "The other organ," God continued, "is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time..."

When Jesus went to the bathroom for the first time as a baby, that was the first time someone said the phrase: “Holy Crap!”

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes. One boy answered, "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it." The next little boy said, "We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and an Asian face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it." Then a third boy piped up, "In the bathroom we have a flat, square box with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams,'OH MY GOD!'"

On the church newsletter were these instructions - Hold this paper close to your nose and breath deeply. If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor. If it turns blue see your dentist. If it turns red see your bank manager. If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately. If, however, it does not change color then there is nothing wrong with you, and there is 'no' reason why you shouldn't be in church next week.

A priest and a cab driver went to heaven. The priest was given fifty bags of gold and a nice house. The cab driver was given the same but also a boat, a lake and a box of diamonds. The priest asked St. Peter, "Hey I was a priest, how come I don't get a box of diamonds or a lake or a boat?" St. Peter said, "We go by results. During your sermons people slept, during his cab rides people prayed."

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? A: No, but they had a fig!

Q: Why did Cain have no faith? A: Because he wasn't Abel

A man was complaining that his wife refused to make his morning coffee. She shrugged and said. "In the Bible, we are told the man is to make the coffee." He stares at her for a moment before informing her that he had never heard such a passage. She smiled, rose and retrieved her Bible from the living room. She leafed through it for a moment before laying it on the table in front of him. He glanced at it and sighs, seeing that she opened the Bible to: "HEBREWS".

A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?" The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can. The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can. The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!" The atheist yells back, "There is no God." She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord." The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!" The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God." The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!"

How Churches might be in 2020: PASTOR: Praise the Lord. CONGREGATION: Hallelujah! PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker. CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all. CONGREGATION: Amen!

A woman begins to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins. She again prays, "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. So, once again, she prays, "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You. Please let me win the lottery just this one time, so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the Heavens open. She is overwhelmed by the voice of God, Himself. He says, "Sweetheart, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."

Monday morning a man bumped into the priest, “Good morning Father, you should know, I was by your sermon yesterday, and I couldn't fall asleep last night!" “Why what was it that I said?" asked the priest. “Oh no, I wasn't listening to what you said, I slept the whole way through."

3 men decided to confess their most intimate secrets about themselves to each other to lessen their load of guilt. Man #1 said that he had a gambling problem, so every night he would sneak out to go the casino. Man #2 said that he was a cheater and would cheat at about anything or anyone. Man #3 said that he was a gossiper and couldn't wait to get back into town to tell everyone about their secrets.

Christian Football Definitions: Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation. Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship. Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave. Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service. Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work. Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations. Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime." Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep. End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member. Flex Defence - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life. Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service. Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."