Jokes

To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember. After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."

Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me. He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and". After a while, he grew bored and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?" "Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'."

After Sunday mass, I wished aloud a blessed afternoon for our priest. "Enjoy your time with the angels!" "Oh, no," he said. "I'm a Dodgers fan!"

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally, she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

An elderly American couple went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker explained to the husband that, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150". The man thought about it and told him that he would just have his wife shipped home. The undertaker was surprised. He asked the man, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have your wife shipped home when it would be wonderful for her to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk."

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit. At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people. One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached. “Ah,” he said, “that’s my altar ego.”

Leaving church one Sunday, a middle-aged woman said to her husband, “Do you think that Flanagan girl is dyeing her hair?” “I didn’t even see her,” replied the husband. "And that skirt Mrs. Fitzgerald was wearing,” continued the wife. “Don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate attire for a mother of four?” “I’m afraid I didn’t notice that either,” said the husband. “Huh!” scoffed the wife. “A lot of good it does bringing YOU to church.”

The church council met to discuss the pastor’s compensation package for the coming year. After the meeting the chair of council told the pastor, “We are very sorry, Pastor, but we are unable to give you a raise for next year.” “But a raise would be helpful,” said the pastor. “I am but a poor preacher.” “l know,” the council chair said. “We hear you every Sunday.”

Within a year, our Young Couples Department at church had grown from one class of eight active couples to four classes with 56 active couples! On Baby Dedication Sunday that year, we had 19 babies! Our Pastor was so excited. He stood in the pulpit that Sunday with 19 babies and their parents facing him. He wanted to brag on these couples and the great job that they had done growing this Young Couples Department. However, here's what he actually said, "Just look at ALL these babies! Folks, this just goes to show what our young couples have been doing!!!" The laughter started and continued for several minutes. Every time the pastor tried to say something, the laughter would begin again. Finally, the red-faced pastor added, "For which we are grateful."

Man: "Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group? Priest: "My son, do you mean a choir?" Man: "Fine Father, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?"

Visitor: "Whats the wifi password?" Priest: "Respect the dead." Visitor: "All upper case?"

A priest and a homeless man are standing on the road in a heavy storm, holding a sign that says "Turn Back, the end is Nigh!" A car passes them, the driver yelling, "Get off the road you lunatics!" As it rounds the corner a loud crash is heard. The homeless man then tells the priest, "I told you we should've written 'Bridge out'!"

A young missionary on his first term in Africa is out away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lies down right beside him, so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him. He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying, but when he opens them he sees another lion approach from the brush. The lion proceeds to lie down on the other side of him. Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon him and devour him. Moral of the story: Don't read between the lions.

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," began Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." "Didn't you receive them yet?" "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils... each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

A farmhand went to church one Sunday, but when he entered he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the farmhand if he wanted to go ahead and preach. ”Well,” said the farmhand, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d still feed him.” So the minister began his sermon. An hour passed, then two hours, then two and a half hours. Finally the preacher finished and asked the farmhand whether he had enjoyed the sermon. “Well,” said the farmhand, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay.”

Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister. "I guess so," answered the man. "Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?" "Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."

As the pastor gave his pretty lengthy sermon, he noticed one of his parishioners dozing off. After church and as they were leaving, the pastor jokingly asked the dozer if he got a good rest during his sermon. The parishioner quickly responded, “Not really, someone kept talking all the way through it.”

A terminally ill man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. ”Give it to me straight, doc, ” he said. ”How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted whether the man would survive the night. So the man said, ”Fetch me my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked the physician to stand on one side of the bed while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then closed his eyes. After a few minutes, the physician asked him what he was thinking about. The man replied, ”Jesus died with a thief on either side. I thought I check out the same way.”

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.

The Priest was shaking hands after his sermon, My grandma said, "Reverend that was the longest sermon I've ever listened to, it was boring as well." The Priest was surprised and I wanted to mend fences so I told him, "Father, pay no attention to her, she only repeats what she hears other people saying."

What kind of food do Priests eat? Parishable food.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.' The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.' The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.' The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.' When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

The morning before Christmas Adam arose and said, "It's Christmas, Eve."

As Noah was building the ark, what type of lights did he use? FLOOD LIGHTS!

The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?" "Yes." "And if you had a cow?" "Absolutely." "And a goat?" "Sure." "A pig?" "Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"

What kind of cheese can you take to church? Swiss cheese, it's holey!

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.” “That’s okay with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?” “Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”

One Sunday morning, a wife complained of a bad stomach ache and wouldn't be able to attend the church service, so her husband went alone. When he returned later, he had two black eyes! When she asked what happened, he explained that when everyone rose to sing a hymn, he noticed the lady in the pew in front of him had her dress tucked into her rear end. Well, being ever the gentleman, he figured she wouldn't want to be seen that way, so he reached forward and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged him in the eye! "But," his wife said, "how did the OTHER eye get black too?" He explained, "When she turned back around, I was still a bit stunned, but I thought to myself she must have wanted it there. So I reached forward and gently tucked it back in."

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."