Jokes

The man pulled over to the side of the road when he saw the police lights in his rear view mirror. “How long have you been riding around without a tail light?” asked the officer. “Oh, no!” screamed the man, jumping out of the car. “Calm down, it isn’t that serious.” said the officer. “Wait’ll my family finds out.” “Where’s your family?” “They’re in the trailer that was hitched to the car!”

There was an expectant father who had spent all of his vacation time waiting for the offspring to arrive; he and the missuz were waiting- at his in-laws’ place. As he had no vacation left, he tells his father-in-law, “When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I’ll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby.” The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it’s a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, “If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he’ll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over.” So the father-in-law left the following message: “The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing.”

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off." "Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." "Oh, no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?" The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!" So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!" And poof, he was there. Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and poof ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general’s body between two points he chose. (Something Congress came up with!) The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.00. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.00. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man. “From the tip of my penis to my balls.” The pension man said that would be fine, but he’d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop ’em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back. “My God!” he said. “Where are your balls?” The general replied, “In Vietnam.”

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today." Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God". "Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?" Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

A lawyer opens the door of his BMW. Another car speeds by and hits the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrive, the lawyer is complaining bitterly. ‘Officer, look what they’ve done to my car!’ he whines. ‘You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick,’ replies the officer. ‘You’re so worried about your stupid car, you haven’t even noticed your left arm was ripped off!’ ‘Oh my God!’ replies the lawyer. ‘Where’s my Rolex?’

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'' The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'' But the pope persists, ''Please?'' The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'' So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.'' Chief: ''What sort of problem?'' Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.'' Chief: ''Important like the mayor?'' Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.'' Chief: ''Important like the governor?'' Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.'' Chief: ''Like the president?'' Cop: ''More.'' Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?'' Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out. "YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer. "Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees, “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow. …. …. Well, he’s is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the damn front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!” The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well, Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?” Trump says “Give me the bad news first.” The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.” Trump says “Oh my God, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. …Well, what’s the really bad news?” The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps? A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.   Q: You’re trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an ManU Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A: Shoot the ManU Fan. Twice. Q: What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and God? A: God doesn’t think he’s Alex Ferguson.   Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control? A: Their personalities.   Q: What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common? A: Both are f**ing bad singers!!!   Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan? A: Skid marks in front of the dog.   Q: What’s the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator? A: A Man U fan is a real dick   Q: Why can’t you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford? A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.   Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison? A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.   Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway? A: Depends how thin you slice them.   Q. What would you call a pregnant Man United fan? A: A dope carrier.   Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain? A: Gifted.   Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb? A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they’ve been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.      

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups. As he is examining her she hears him saying “mmmm… mmmhmmm”. He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done. In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments. “Oh, that” he says.” I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice.” The young woman proudly smiled and replied, “Why thank you! I have a woman come clean it twice a week!”

The town’s local council remarks that the best lawyer in town never made a donation to charity tendency. To convince him, the mayor calls him in his office: Sir, I remarked that you’re revenue reached a number of $600.000. With all these, you never made a donation to the charity... If you looked into my files, did you also remark that my mother is sick, and the medicaments she needs exceed her funds? No... answers mayor. In second place, my brother, war veteran, is condemned in a wheelchair and he’s blind. The mayor started apologizing, but was interrupted: And more, my sister died into a car accident and left tree children orphans. Stunned, the mayor says: I didn’t know, please accept my apologies... But the lawyer continues: I don’t see why I should give you any money, if I don’t ever give them money...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

An Indian soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Indian army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in a Pakistani tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the Border. As I saw a Pakistani tank. I put my white flag up, the Pakistani tank put his white flag up. I said to the Pakistani soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

I got arrested in Switzerland for murder yesterday. I said to the police, “I thought assisted suicide wasn’t against the law here?” The officer replied, “Under Swiss law assisted suicides require medical supervision, you strangled your wife as soon as the plane touched down.”

I walked into a dentist’s office. The dentist asked me what the problem was. I said, “I’m a moth.” The dentist said, “You’re a moth?” I said, “Yes! I’m a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I’m a moth!” The dentist said, “Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist’s office. He’s two doors further down the hall.” I said, “I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on.”

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, James!"

Cop pulls over a man "Sir id like you to take this breathalyzer test" Man: " I cant, i have asthma i might have an attack " Cop: " then i need to take a blood sample " Man: " No sir, im a hemophiliac, i might bleed to death " Cop: " Ok, ill need a pee sample " Man: " I cant do that either officer, im a diabetic, i might get low blood sugar " Cop: " Fine, just walk this line " Man: " I cant " Cop: " Why? " Man: " Cause im drunk "

“Am I allowed to call a police officer a cunt?” “No, sir, you are not. That would be an insult.” “Would it be OK if I called a cunt ‘Officer’?” “Yes, sir. That would be weird, but allowed.” “Good night, Officer.”

A police officer asks how high are you. You reply to the officer sorry officer but Its hi how are you!

Police officer: you know why i pulled you over Me: *points at donuts* because you smelt these.

Guy: Kid your gay as f*ck! Me: if I'm gay how did I get a girlfriend before Obama got office?

if I was a police officer and looking at you, I would arrest you for disturbance of peace

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? A: People wouldn't lick them.

"Yes officer?" "I noticed your vehicle swerving quite a bit back there." "I've had eight beers sir." "That's no reason to let your wife drive."

Cop: Sir Do You Know How Fast You Was Going? Man: The Same Speed As You Officer Cop: And How Is That? Man: You Caught Up To Me Didn't You?

Yo' Mama is so stupid, when the officer told her she broke the speed limit, she offered to fix it.

Officer : - "Please step out of the vehicle sir." Me : - "Nah, you're all right I'm too drunk, you come in.