Jokes

A girlfriend calls her boyfriend over and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a neat jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The girlfriend says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling the tiger on that box.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

Two women met in heaven who were previous acquaintances on earth. One said, "I can't believe you're here so soon what happened?" She exclaimed, "I froze to death!" The other said, "That's terrible how'd it happen?" "Well I started shivering uncontrollably, fell asleep and here I am!" Then she asked how her friend died. She exclaimed "I had a heart attack! I came home to find my husband sitting in his lazy chair and I just knew it was cheating on me so I ran around the house looking everywhere for another woman I looked in the basement looked in the attic look behind the shower curtain in the bathroom and I ran myself into a frenzy and collapsed of a heart attack. Finally her friend replied "If you would have just look in the freezer we both still be alive!'.

Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?" "No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out." "Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father. "Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I said, 'My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"

Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?" The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it" Are his flashers on?" The blonde turned around again...... "Yup.... nope.... yup.... nope.... yup.... nope.... yup....."

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?" "Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time." "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually met Dave." "Then how do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow."

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue. "Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired. "But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..." "Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back." "But, officer, I think you really should know..." "And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Arguing with a woman is like reading the software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click "I agree."

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high... She seemed surprised.

I'm trying to plan a party for my girlfriend, but I can't seem to find any party hats, or a girlfriend.

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies. "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

To get away from their high-stress jobs, a couple enjoyed spending weekends relaxing in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, their came up with a plan to assure themselves some privacy. When they set up camp, they placed this sign on the door of their RV: “Insurance Agent. Ask about our term life package”

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? A. When it’s time to revert to childhood, he’s already there.

A woman is a complicated creature. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

Little Johnny swallowed a coin and his mother was very much alarmed. She said to her husband, "Quick, quick send for the doctor!" "No," replied Johnny's father. "Not the doctor, get the minister instead!" "Oh no," exclaimed the mother. "You think Johnny is going to die?" Father replied, "Oh, no, but our minister can get money out of anyone!"

Mabel never went to church. She always promised to go but never did. The pastor was astounded when she suddenly showed up for Sunday service. Thereafter she was there for every Sunday service. Three months later, after a Sunday service, the pastor asked her, “What happened to you? You always dodged church and now it looks like you can't get enough of it?" She replied, “It's this new car of mine pastor... they told me the warranty will lapse if I miss even one service!”

Sunday School Teacher: Okay class... who can tell me what are some different names used when talking about God? Boy: Hallowed! Sunday School Teacher: Hallowed? How did you get that as an answer? Boy: It’s in the Lord’s Prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name....

YEAR: 1981 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope died. YEAR: 2005 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope died. In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!

The pastor had been warned about a parishioner who was a fast reader. "We shall now read the Twenty-third Psalm in unison," he announced. "Will the lady who is always by 'the still waters' while the rest of us are in 'green pastures', please pause until we catch up."

One Sunday after services one of the ladies approached the pastor's wife and commented, "What nice buttons you have sewed onto your sons jacket. My husband once had some like that on his suit." The pastor's wife replies, "Why thank you for the complement. I get all my buttons out of the collection plate."

The minister, meeting a neighbor's son after church, noticed he had a black eye. He put his hand on the boys head and says, "My boy, I pray you may never fight again. And that you will never get a black eye again." "Thank you," the boy answered. "You may want to go home and pray for your own son too, I just gave him two of them."

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean. He asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation. The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three males ministers siding against the female minister. The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it." A big storm cloud materialized and there was a clap of thunder. "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above." The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon. "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign." This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree. "See! I told you I was right," the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes. "Help me, Lord," the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!" The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?" "Okay, okay," they said. "Now it's three against two."

The clergyman of a large church, having just arrived in Fort Smith, was being shaved by a local barber that was addicted to occasional drinking sprees. There was an unmistakable odor of whisky around the barber's face and the razor suddenly nicked the man's face. "You see, that comes from taking too much drink," said the clergyman. "You're right," said the barber. "Drinking does make the skin tender, that's a fact."

A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense," said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really," said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last."

I had been in heaven as an Apprentice Angel for about three months and was enjoying my stay. The day came when I was called to visit God. GOD: "You are about to get your wings." ME: "Lemon pepper of Barbeque?" GOD: "Get out... just go..."

About a year after her husband died, the widow Smith herself died. When she arrived at the pearly gates she ask if she could see her former husband. "What's his name? " "Joe Smith." "You'll have to give us better identification than that. Maybe his last words? We classify each arrival that way." "Well, just before he died he said to me, 'Katie, if you ever waste any of my hard earned dollars, I'll turn over in my grave.'" "Oh, sure we know him. We call him Whirling Joe up here."

The pastor who had accepted an invitation to officiate at the Sunday service in a neighboring towns church. He entrusted the Sunday service at his church to the new appointed curate. Upon his return he ask his wife what she thought of the curate's sermon. "It was the poorest one I ever heard," was her prompt reply, "nothing in it at all." Later in the day he saw the curate and ask how he had got along. "Oh, very well. I didn't have time to prepare my own sermon so I used one of your unused ones."

The pastor and one of his deacons were walking to parking lot on a frosty day after church. The deacon slipped on the walkway and fell flat on his back. The pastor, after being assured that the deacon was not injured said, "Friend, sinners stand on slippery places." The deacon looked up as if to assure himself of the fact said, "I see they do, but I can't."

Today, I was in the bathroom at a popular coffee chain. Someone wrote "What Would Jesus Do?" on the wall. Another person wrote directly underneath that, "Wash His hands..." Then a third person added, "And your feet!"