Jokes

How do you measure the intelligence of a vegetable? With an IQ-cumber!

So a friend of mine recently was killed from a vase breaking over his head. It's such a shame as he was such a smashing individual.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer from the agony of defeat.

I saw an ad that said, "Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full". I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down."

I just bought a brand new chess set at a pawn shop.

She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew it seams...

Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

A backward poet writes inverse.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I could not believe that the statue wasn't made from stone. Next time I won't take art for granite.

Mickey Mouse gives me Disney spells.

For poker playing plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

Einstein developed a theory about space... and it was about time too!

You wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle. You wanna hear a clean joke? He took a bath.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Every morning is the dawn of a new error. Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!) A backwards poet writes inverse. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds? The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed? Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Without geometry, life is pointless.

I broke my finger today, but on the other hand, I'm completely fine!

Q: What has four wheels and flies? A: A garbage truck.

When TV repairmen get married they get excellent receptions.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

Three hunters were walking in the woods one night when they came across a set of tracks. "Those are bear tracks." The first hunter said. "Those are deer tracks." The second hunter said. "No, they're fox tracks. The third hunter argued. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Q: Why did the fungi leave the party? A: There wasn't mushroom.

My ex-wife goes bowling with the money I send her each month. I guess that's why they call it alley money.

What did one Hot Dog Say to the other Hot Dog? HI! Frank!

Teacher: If you are on the moon, what will happen to your weight? a) Increase b) Decrease c) No change d) Can not be predicted… Student : Decrease Teacher: Why? Student : You will not get good food!!!

What is the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? For the bird flu you get tweetment and for the swine flu you receive oinkment.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out. The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says. "Yeah," the string says. "Aren't you a string?" the bartender asks. "I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me.

My pig developed a rash, so the veterinarian prescribed an oinkment.

A mother and father named their child "Odd". Because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine. In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor. And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten. And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.