Jokes

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's crying. She's using sigh-cology.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

In a beauty school, if someone misses their final exam, do they get a "make up" exam?

Did you hear about the argument, drama & fight that happened at the golf course? People can be so caddy.

The water department staff said they would be fluid in answering all mystifying questions asked at a recent meeting.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.

Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.

The lovers wore the exact same shoes... Naturally, they were solemates.

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

I tend to avoid funerals... ... I'm just not a mourning person.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Once there was a Spanish speaking magician who promised a vanishing act. So he says, "I will count to 3 and I will disappear!" "Uno! Dos!" and then POOF! With a puff of smoke he was gone, without even a Tres!

A group of horses were moving down towards the horse court for horse jury. One horse asks another, "Where do we enter again?" The other horse replies indignantly, "Why the mane entrance of course!"

There once was an old monk that lived up on top of a mountain. He walked 10 miles barefoot every day and had terrible breath due to his position on non-natural objects and foods. He called himself The Truth-Carrier, but everyone in the small mountaineering town knew him as a super calloused fragile mystic with chronic halitosis.

I knew she was the one for me when we went walking through the evergreen trees. It was love at firs site.

My friend dropped a box of Italian pastries on the floor. I cannoli imagine what he felt at that moment.

A guy asked his friend, "What are the advantages of living in Sweden?" His friend replied, "Well, the flag is a big plus!"

How do you find actor/rapper Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints!

I didn't mean to gain all this weight. It happened by snaccident.

Do you know the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is against the law. The other is a sick bird.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Can't talk now, I'm all tide up!

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’ Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die! Why? Everyone knows… You can’t kill Two Birds with OneStone!

The tombstones on the left were identical to the tombstones on the right. He was buried in the middle of the symmetry.

If you were a spider, you could learn everything on the web.

The tenant above me keeps coming down into my flat, and I'm wondering what steps to take?

Why do pelicans hate taxes? BECAUSE NO MATTER WHERE THEY TURN, THEY STILL HAVE AN ENORMOUS BILL IN FRONT OF THEM!

I tried wrapping Christmas presents, but I don't have the gift for it.

It's better to be short than not a tall.

Once you've seen a shopping center, you've seen a mall.