Jokes

The moonshiner artist excelled at "still" life.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator... and you can't cross it!

A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies, "No I'm traveling light."

Why are corners so hot? Because they are 90 degrees!

I don't believe anything atoms say... ... they make up everything!

Here's a list of CLEVER WORDS for CLEVER PEOPLE... 1. ARBITRATOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. 2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage. 3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through. 4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do. 5. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. 6. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money. 7. HEROES What a man in a boat does. 8. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower. 9. PARADOX Two physicians. 10. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm. 11. RELIEF What trees do in the spring. 12. RUBBERNECK What you do to relax your wife. 13. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does. 14. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Just heard on the news that Uber is testing new driver-less cars... Not sure where they are heading, but I am afraid they are gonna drive us crazy!

A mechanic was working under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought. The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "It was pretty good, really. I think I'll have a little more today." His friend was a little concerned, but didn't say anything. The next day, "Hey, I drank a whole glass of brake fluid. Great stuff! I'm going to have more." A few days later, he was up to a bottle a day. "You know," said his buddy, "that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better cut out drinking that stuff." "Hey, no problem. I can stop any time!"

At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"

One skeleton says to the other your a nobody.

I submitted 10 puns to a pun website to see if I would win the top prize. No pun in 10 did.

I used to be a mime... It's only now that I can talk about it.

A perfectionist walks into a bar. Apparently, the bar wasn't set high enough for him.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory... I didn't like being spoken to in that tone of voice.

You're walking down the street and your toe falls off! Who do you call? You call a tow truck!

What do you call it when you put all your borrowed money in a single place, isolated from all your other money? A loan to gather.... [Alone Together]

Two detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

I told her that no sensible person would go out in the cold weather wearing nothing but a bikini. So she went out with a little moron.

What's the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

Why are Eskimos always interested in winter sports? Because they are Inuit.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

At the gym, a hole was found in the wall of the women's changing room.... Police are looking into it!

When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye!

We'll never run out of math teachers as long as they multiply.

Why couldn't the poet get a bank loan? Because he already "ode" too much.

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

What did Adam say to Eve before Christmas? "IT'S CHRISTMAS..." "EVE!!!"

Why are buildings called buildings? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.