Jokes

Did you hear the joke about the old man with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he.

What do you do when balloons are hurt? You helium.

Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym? To get shredded!

I read this book about Mount Everest... It was quite the cliff hanger!

Groups of people are touring the White House in Washington, D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitor’s register. A group of nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son, Sheldon. As they near the visitor’s registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and corrects him, saying, "Wait till the nun signs, Shelly!"

Why didn't the man look for his lucky watch? He didn't have the time!

A woman sneezed 4 times in a row. A man nearby said, "Quad bless you."

What does Tiger Woods (golfer) and the Queen of England have in common? Tee time.

What cooking/seasoning spice herb can be found in the court of law? A bay-leaf.

I wrote a book about birds... It flew off the shelf.

What do hair accessories do after they finish a show? They bow.

What did the educated sweet potato say? I think, therefore I yam.

Why does the milk stool only have 3 legs? Because the cow has the udder.

Two friends were talking. "There are so many cemeteries in your neighborhood." "I know, people are just dying to live here."

The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business... ... due to low circulation.

I tried working in a wheel factory, but I got too tired.

Managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company... But I had to resign... The work was just too draining.

I became a professional fisherman... But discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

Two clones were standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, one of them cursing wildly. The other one, tired of hearing all the profanity, pushed the cursing one into the Canyon. The police were called and immediately arrested the survivor. He was charged with “making an obscene clone fall.”

A manufacturer of electric light bulbs was talking to the owner of a theater. "I'd like to supply you with bulbs for your marquee," the manufacturer said, "and it won't cost you a penny. It will enable me to realize a lifelong ambition." "If I accept the free bulbs," the curious theater manager asked, "will you tell me about this ambition of yours?" "Certainly," the man said. "It's just that I've always dreamed of seeing my lights up in names!"

A good pun is its own reword.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

What did the guy say after he fell in a box of seaweed? "Kelp Me! Kelp Me!"

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

There once was a Russian guy named Olaf who was mean, rude, and crude. One day his wife and her friend were in the kitchen discussing Christmas. Suddenly Olaf shouted, "It's gonna rain any moment now!" Next thing you know it starts raining. The wife's friend is shocked. She said, "How in the world did he know that?" Without missing a beat the wife said to her, "Rude Olaf the Red knows rain dear."

Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What do you call it when part of a windmill is owned by a circus clown? A juggler vane!

What kind of meds do kleptomaniacs take to get better?

Bill: "Do you know what a satellite is?" Phil: "Sure. It's what you put on your horse if you're going to ride him after dark."

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and all it has been doing is GATHERING DUST!!!