Jokes

A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Here’s what they came up with: •Semper Pie •The Lasting Supper •In-dough-structible •Pizza de Resistance •DeFrigNo! •Auld Lang Slice •Eternal Piece •Grandpapa John’s Pizza

One day, out of the blue, one of my twin boys asked, "Dad, how did you support yourself through college?" I said, "I was a working student. Initially, a janitor until I got promoted." "Dad moved up to the second floor," quipped the other.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back... All I wanted was a one night stand.

The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours. He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.” The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

Last year I entered a Halloween costume contest as Quasimodo. I didn't win. I have a "hunch" that I'll be "back" this year.

What does a bullfighter try to do? Avoidable

What is it called when someone brings litigation against a government official? Sudafed

A dog breeder crossed a setter and pointer at Christmas time and he got a pointersetter.

Did you hear about the man who was working at furniture factory who fell into a upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.

I suffer from kleptomania... When it gets really bad, I take something for it!

I tripped on an ax, I fell and broke my tooth. It wasn't intentional. It was ax-dental.

I was in the supermarket the other day and suddenly I got hit in the head with a can of soda... I'm so glad it was a soft drink!

I tried to flip my house last week... All I got for it was three herniated discs!

Velcro... what a rip off!

I took the job at a bakery... Because I kneaded dough!

England has no kidney bank... But it does have a Liverpool.

When chemists die, do they barium?

I tried to catch some fog... I mist!

A man goes to his therapist to have a dream interpreted. He tells the doctor that he was dreaming of eating a big meal. A seven course meal. He started with the soup and was going to move onto the salad next. As he finished his soup and put his spoon down the bowl refilled itself by magic. He again finished the soup and again the bowl refilled itself. Every time he finished the soup and tried to move onto the salad he could not. He asked his doctor what the hidden meaning was. The doctor's reply, "It only proves that you cannot change courses in the middle of a dream."

One summer, many years ago, there was a Key Club "Farm Boy/City Boy Exchange" program. The city boy from a Chicago suburb spent several days in southern Illinois on a farm with the farm boy and his family. This was a working dairy farm, so there were plenty of cows which had to be milked at least twice a day. The city boy returned home and was invited to lunch at the local Kiwanis Club which had sponsored the exchange program. The city boy gave a short presentation about his week on the dairy farm One club member asked the city boy how he liked milking all those cows. The whole club listened carefully and erupted with laughter when the boy unknowingly said. "Well it was good at first, but it sure got teatious, I mean tedious, after awhile."

Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race? They ended up in a tie.

Have you guys heard the rumor concerning butter? Never mind, I'd better not spread it.

My sister bet me a hundred dollars that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

I ordered a Thesaurus online and it just arrived. The pages are all BLANK!!! I have no words to express my outrage.

Run to the Round House Nellie... They can't CORNER you there!

My books all piled on top of me, I've only got my shelf to blame.

Honk if you love peace and quiet!

Did you hear the joke about the pizza? Never mind, it's too cheesy.