Jokes

A lettuce and a tomato were in a race. Who won? The lettuce went a head, but the tomato never could ketchup.

I was in an art creating contest. It was pretty boring. It ended in a draw.

How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer...

It never fails... Cashiers are always checking me out.

People say that you can get salmonella from eating contaminated chicken... Does that mean people can get chickenella from eating contaminated salmon???

What do you call an egotistical person serving a prison sentence? An I-con.

A guy was admitted into a hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach... His condition is now stable.

There was a sign hanging in the window of a dry cleaners I passed by. It read: "So-and-So Dry Cleaners. Working on the same spot for 72 years!"

What did one candle say to another? I may be going out tonight.

What’s a snorer? A sound sleeper.

What name might you give your mother's sister who always has a sour disposition? Aunt Acid.

Our local tanning salon had an Olympic tanning contest... First place got BRONZE!

And the unexpected winner of the race was... The Barber... however he did do a short cut.

Why are perforations on a piece of paper a bad idea? Because they're just tearable!

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships? So when they come back to port they can SCANDINAVIAN.

What do you call a group of singing dinosaurs? A Tyrannochorus

Why was England once the geometry capital of the world? Because it was originally settled by the Angles.

Why did the man show up for jury duty with a towel and sunscreen? Because when he called in to make sure he had to come downtown to serve, the jury coordinator told him to come prepared to stay all day in the jury pool.

If Shaq were: A banana - he’d be Shaquille O’Peel A shade of blue green - he’d be Shaquille O’Teal A criminal - he’d be Shaquille O’Steal A poker player - he’d be Shaquille O’Deal Overly emotional - he’d be Shaquille O’Feel A doctor - he’d be Shaquille O’Heal

What might you call the Personnel Manager who has to let employees go? A "fire-man".

I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned.... Worried and concerned that there isn't enough anxiety in my life!

If a parsley farmer is sued... Could they garnish his wages?

I saw this ad for burial plots... I thought to myself, "That is the last thing I need!"

I found a rock that is 1760 yards long... It must be a MILESTONE!

Rest In Peace boiled water... ...you will be mist.

It was so quiet in the bowling alley... It was so quiet that you COULD hear a pin drop...

Electricians are always watching the news... They like to keep up with current events.

A lion was walking in the jungle and met two men. One is sitting on a rock reading a book and the other is working at a typewriter. The lion ate only one. Which one and why? He ate the man reading the book because everyone knows that reader's digest and writer's cramp.

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell. It was a brief case.

Show me where Stalin is buried... ... and I'll show you a communist plot.