Jokes

A new mummy has just been discovered in Egypt! It was found covered in chocolate and nuts. They believe he was called Pharaoh Rocher!

What does the world’s top dentist get? A little plaque.

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten-tickles!

What do you call it when you take a picture of your favorite bookcase? A shelf-ie!

Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A: A private tutor.

I was trying to develop a joke about PALLETS... But I am not able to find one that stacks up.

Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute? It was his sixty-second birthday.

A little boy got a cold at school one day. He came home sneezing and sniffling, and his mother watched him with a knowing eye. Later that day, he was playing with his older sister when his mother called him into the kitchen. "Son, I know you're not feeling very good," she began. "Tomorrow for breakfast, don't eat your normal sugary cereal. I'll allow you to have some LIFE cereal after you eat a bowl of oatmeal, though. See, it's right here on the shelf," she pointed. "Now, afterwards, I want you to have your older sister make you some broth from that ground liver we have in the fridge." Seeing the face he made, she added, "and then you can have some of the leftover sweet tea." After the little boy came out of the kitchen, his older sister curiously asked, "What did she want?" He promptly replied, "She just gave me the rights to LIFE, liver tea, and proper tea!"

I know I need to build up my fitness with exercise and good health... But at the same time my body is telling me no whey!

Who do stamps go to dinner with? Why their mail friends of course!

What happened when two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident? They were worried about the four casts.

I invented some new cookware... But the critics panned it.

Why will everyone be seeing more clearly next year? Cause it will be 2020!

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A may-bee!

An atom loses an electron… It says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them!”

A woman sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go right ahead," the woman replies. The man stands and clears his throat, then says "Plethora" and sits back down. "Thanks," the woman says, "that means a lot."

How many people can fit in a beach? ThouSANDS and ThouSANDS...

How can you tell that the time is Irish? Because it always ends with o'clock.

I listen to the radio with such frequency that my ear Hertz.

Why do trees have trunks? So they'll always be ready to leave!

It was approaching the end of the year at John’s school, and so near prom time. He decided that he wanted to try his luck and ask the most popular girl in his year out. So he got in line to ask her, and he waited, and he waited, and he waited. When he finally got to the front of the line, he was amazed because the girl said yes! She also handed him a long list of criteria he would have to meet for her to go with him. The first criterion was a limousine. So he went to the limousine shop and, as it was near prom time, he waited and waited and waited to get to the front of the line and hired a limousine. The second criterion was a suit from the most prestigious clothes maker in the city. So John went to that shop and waited and waited and waited to be fitted. Once he got his suit he looked at the list and chased up the next criteria on the list (roses, tickets, chauffeur, etc.) and at each one he had to wait for a very long line. Finally it was the night of the prom. John went and picked up the girl in his limousine, had the chauffeur drive them to the prom, picked up his roses, and arrived at the prom venue. To get in to the prom they waited and waited to get in. When they finally got to their seats, John’s girl asked him to get her a glass of punch. When John got to the punch table, he was surprised, because there was no punch line.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal medicine man who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the medicine man looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix... Never drink and derive.

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin!

The meaning of opaque is unclear.