Jokes

Compact disc manufacturers were worried about music industry plans to phase out CDs and bring back LPs. Defending the threat to their livelihood, the CD manufacturers took their case to court, where the judge listened patiently to a lengthy debate about the relative merits of CDs and LPs. After weighing up the various arguments, the judge ruled in favor of LPs. The CD manufacturers were furious. “Do we have no right of appeal?” they demanded. “I’m afraid not,” said their lawyer. “The judge’s decision is vinyl.”

"Hey Susan, which one of these paddles should I take to the lake?" "Either oar..."

A man named Benny meets a genie who grants him three wishes. Benny wishes for a fine house, a beautiful wife, and a million dollars. The genie grants his wishes, but warns him that can never shave his beard, or he will be turned into an urn. Benny enjoys his life for many years, but his lovely wife doesn't like his beard and asks him to shave it off. Though afraid of the genie's prophesy, Benny shaves his beard, and is immediately turned into an urn. THE MORAL: A BENNY SHAVED IS A BENNY URNED!

Which is heavier: a litre of water or a litre of butane? The water. No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up, it could be worse, you could get stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I’ll let you know.

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it... Guess I really am... Independent!

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night... Oof!

Wife: "I'm pregnant...." Dad: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad!" Wife: "No, no you’re not."

To the person who stole my glasses... I will find you, I have contacts!

After our son graduated from high school, he went to a school to learn how to be a mime. We haven't heard from him since...

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs? A mathemachicken.

Her: "I don't even know what the cloning machine does?" Me: "Well, that makes two of us."

I made a graph of all my past relationships... It has an "ex" axis and a "why" axis.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many.” “That one is a freebie.”

A bunch of ellipses, a cylinder, and some lines are hanging around together talking: The ellipses, “Hey, we’re leaves!” The long cylinder, “And I’m a trunk.” The lines, “I guess we’re branches.” They arrange themselves accordingly. Euclid comes along, sits down next to the shapes, and asks what they are. The shapes respond, “Gee, I’m a tree!”

Why is 68 afraid of 70? Because 69 and 70 got into a fight and 71.

My son’s math teacher called him average... I just think he’s mean.

My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3 am... can you believe it!? Luckily I was still up playing the drums.

In laughter the 'L' comes first... The rest of the letters come 'aughter' it.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius... But his brother Frank was a monster!

My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him... So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

My friend couldn’t afford to pay his high water bill... So I sent him a “Get 'Well' Soon” card.

Two windmills are in a field. One asks, "What kind of music do you like?" The other one says, "Well, I’m a big metal fan."

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat. She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do. He replied calmly, "Get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart." She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked. "Well," he replied, "they're the world's largest retailer."

Pirate: I have moles on me back aaarrrghh. Doc: It's ok, they're benign. Pirate: Count again, I think there be ten!

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? "Are you having a crisis?"

How many bones are in a human hand? A handful.

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver... Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!