Jokes

Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance. During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"

“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie?” “Gladiator?” “No, I really miss her.”

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything.

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store... Clothes, but no cigar.

A load of irons were stolen from a launderette... Police want to do a press conference.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you? A tractor.

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you... Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because today they got into a fight and 2021...

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American Literature? Tequila Mockingbird.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9... The odds were against me.

Shop assistant: How about this one? Psychic: That shirt is too small. Shop assistant: You didn't even try it on? Psychic: I'm a medium.

I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone... I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in 'climate change'.

A guy gets shipwrecked and washes up on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red, too. "Oh no!" he says. "I've been marooned!"

Joe: "I know the capital of North Carolina." Sam: "Really?" Joe: "No, Raleigh."

Her: What do you do? Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram... I was like 0mg!

A man was putting up a knotty pine wall in the living room. His young son was curious. “What are those holes for?” he asked. “They’re knotholes,” replied the father. “If they’re not holes,” the boy asked puzzled, “then what are they?”

The doorbell rang and there was a little kid dressed as Gloria Gaynor... At first I was afraid... Then I was petrified!

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes... Heinz-sight is not 20/20!

What do you call a robot that always takes the longest route around? R2Detour.

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

During the Revolutionary War, England lost the battle of Saratoga because General Howe stayed in Philadelphia... So they lost due to "lack of no Howe"!

A fly feels a bug on its back. "Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?" the fly asks. "I 'might' be," giggles the mite. "That's the worst pun I've ever heard," groans the fly. "What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly..."

Why do you pronounce “queue” as “q”? Because the other letters are waiting in line.

Why was the eagle in handcuffs? The police thought he was a flight risk!

Being half man and half horse, he enjoyed being the centaur of attention.

What do you say to comfort an English teacher? They’re, there, their.

I’ve started growing herbs in my garden. To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order. My neighbour asked me, “How do you find the time?” I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”