Jokes

It seems there was an agreement between two of the top power nations at the height of the arms race which grew out of their concern of global annihilation. Both sides agreed on a final end-all battle which would be one gigantic mean dogfight. Each would get five years to prepare their top animals. The first one, the Ugonauts, took the biggest, meanest Rottweiler and Doberman females and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian Wolves money could buy. Then they selected only the biggest, meanest pups of the litter to rebreed, year after year. It finally came to the big day. The Hugonauts had to drag their entry in with huge heavy ropes, and no one could get near the cage. The Argonauts toted in the craziest crate -- it was low to the ground and eight feet long. When they opened it, people gasped! Out waddled the funniest looking eight feet long wiener dog anyone had ever seen. People felt sorry for the Argonauts, and the Hugos snickered in disbelief. The heavy door to the Hugo's terror was slowly pulled open and out jumped the most hideous monster of a dog there'd ever been, snarling and growling. Just as the monster pounced at the neck of the wiener dog to take him out, the wiener dog opened its mouth and swallowed the Hugo's dog whole! Everyone was in total disbelief! The Hugos said they just couldn't understand it! They'd spent years and years perfecting this animal, how could this be? The Argo's glibly replied, "That's nothing. We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars for the top plastic surgeons in the world to come here and make this alligator look like a wiener dog!" (Just goes to show ya, things aren't always what they look like!)

This Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer's a little puzzled. "Look, bud, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that," says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you find my parrot -- I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points. After a battery of physical and psychological tests, the center's director told him that he was an acceptable candidate. "That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive." "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politicians brain is seventy-five thousand dollars." "Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politicians brain? Why on earth is that?" "Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we would have to kill?"

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." -- Ronald Reagan

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- J. Danforth Quayle "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

A selection of quotes from "I miss Dan Quayle". "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- J. Danforth Quayle "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

10 reasons you might be an artist: 10) You were more concerned about the color of your car than the fuel consumption. 9) The highlights in your hair are from your palette and not Clairol. 8) You are having lunch with the girls and the fragrance you wear is eau d'linseed oil. 7) The only piece of new furniture you have in your home is a $2000 easel. 6) You butter your toast with your fingers, just to feel its texture. 5) You talk about going to a show where the pictures don't move. 4) You know what shade of green the lichen on the trees is. 3) You can't find a nice outfit for your date because everything has paint smears on. 2) Your date ends up with paint smears on her/him. And the final reason you might be an artist... #1) If you are over age 50 and still have no health insurance.

Women call me ugly occasionally, but that’s only until they hear how much money I make... Then they say I’m poor and ugly.

Q: What do you call Cardi B on a treadmill? A: Cardi O.

The twin girls walk into a store. After selecting a few items they go to the cashier. The cashier looks at them and says, "Are you two girls sisters?" The twins both laugh and then one says, "Sisters? We aren't even religious."

There are three personality types in this world: Introvert... Extrovert... And Lil Uzi Vert...

What college does Kim Kardashian's daughter want to attend when she grows up? Northwestern.

Why did Blake Shelton break up with Miranda Lambert? Because her lips didn't taste like sangria!

Did anyone hear about George Clooney's new genealogical website? It's called, "Oh, Brother Where Art Thou."

Did anyone hear about that new reality show Justin Bieber's got out now? It's called "Leave it to Bieber"!

What Pokémon would you catch in Rio De Janeiro? Zikachu.

Did you see the Russell Crowe movie about the cannibal who ate his mother-in-law? What? You don't remember that one? It came out in 2000 and was titled Gladiator. (glad he ate her).

How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? You follow the fresh prints.

* Put the past behind you, unless you're a time traveler. * Remember that only James Bond lives twice. You only live once. * Time makes fools of us all. However, you can't make a fool of time. * You sometimes get what you want. You can't always get what you need.

It doesn't matter what color the cup is, just DO NOT give it to the "two girls"

When you combine "Red Dawn" with "Blue Velvet," do you get "Purple Rain"?

Why didn't the new Apple software work? The developer took a byte out of it.

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said, "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said, "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

Old Programmers do not die... they decompile.

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. A computer scientist says; "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

There are 10 kinds of people: 1. Those who understand binary. 10. Those who don't understand this joke.

A software engineer, a mechanical engineer, and an electrical engineer are carpooling to work, when suddenly the car stops running and they pull over.The mechanical engineer says, "I think it's a problem with the engine. I'll have to get out and inspect."The electrical engineer says, "No, no. It's got to be an electrical issue. I will grab my meter and troubleshoot to find out what is going on."The software engineer says, "Nuts to all that. Let's just get out and get back in again."

Q: How come legacy programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused? A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 (Octal 31 = Decimal 25)

Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.  1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven't had any caffeine in about 6 hours.  2. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.  3. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).  4. You realize not only is it daytime but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn't enough time to even begin running it.  5. You start customizing your environment because you want it "just right" (and because further work on the program is futile).  6. You wonder when the invasion will begin.  7. You understand #8.  8. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just because.  9. You know more programming commands than actual words.  10. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command. 

Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.