Jokes

On a recent congressional trip to Switzerland one of the group spoke to a group. There was very little applause. He was followed by a man that spoke to them in their native tongue. The applause was deafening and everyone in the group cheered as loudly as the best of them. Then, still clapping, he leaned over to the chairman of the meeting, "What did he say?" "He was interpreting your speech to them," replied the chairman gravely.

A local citizen ran for a political position for the first time and won. "Congratulate me," he says to his wife. "I won the nomination!" The wife replies, surprised, "Honestly?" "Now why in thunder did you want to bring up that point for?"

A trusted aid was counseling the senator, "Some of your constituents are beginning to disagree with you." The senator replied, "Keep tabs on them. When enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'll turn around and agree with them."

A Washington reporter was awakened by her husband in the middle of the night. "I think there's a thief in the house," he said. "No doubt," she said sleepily. "And there are a handful in the Senate, too."

In one of K.C.'s classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. K.C. and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

One of the oldest dances popular in D.C. has a new name: The Politician. "All you have to do is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step, and turn around."

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to one of the political candidates. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, that candidate is a 'Post Turtle'." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'." The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know they didn't get up there by themselves, they don't belong up there, they don't know what to do while they're up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put them up there to begin with."

A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying." As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie." By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?" St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."

Two prison inmates were standing in the cafeteria line getting lunch... One inmate said to the other inmate, "When I was governor, the food was much better!"

The president is packing for a trip to Japan and being aware of the custom of removing ones shoes before entering the home, he ask his staff to procure a pair of loafers. The day of the trip, two congressmen showed up ready to go.

Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, "I've suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?" The angel touches the man's back, and he feels instant relief. The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man's glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly. The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. "Don't touch me!" he cries. "I'm on disability!"

A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Congress?" "Well, no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a major emergency... Even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting!

The former President is disembarking his private plane, carrying his tiny dog. One of his Secret Service men says, "Nice dog, sir." The President says, "Thanks, I got it for the former First Lady." The Secret Service man replies, "Nice trade, sir."

Secretary: "Congratulations for being elected as the new chairperson for our party!" Party Chairman: "Thank you! But what is this noise on the streets?" Secretary: "Sir, party members are celebrating on you becoming the new party chairman." Chairman: "Please ask them to stop. I don't want any kind of show off from our party men." Secretary: "Sir, they are not from our party. They belong to the opposition."

A ten-year-old was watching TV with her Grandma. The newscaster interrupted the program to announce the outcome of a political election. "More on candidates at 11pm," he said. The child exclaimed, "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!"

An aspiring politician was attending an interview. The interviewer asked, "If people in a place are suffering from severe drought and they are thirsty, what would you do?" Politician: "I will provide them with water." Interviewer: "What if there is no water at all to offer?" Politician: "Then I will make a promise that I will provide them water."

Under capitalism, man exploits man... Under communism, it is just the opposite.

Politics: n. from Greek; "poli" - many; "tics" - ugly, bloodsucking parasites.

Two political candidates were having a heated debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"

A Union President was sitting at his son's bedside getting ready to read him a bedtime story. He starts out, "Once upon a time and a half..."

The General Services Administration has experts who actually visit different agencies and suggest ways to streamline their day-to-day routines. One such expert visited the Federal Communications Commission and suggested that they get rid of the clutter. He suggested, as a start, that they throw out all correspondence over ten years old. The FCC director loved the idea and replied, "Good thought. But first, we'll have to make three copies of everything."

"Dad, I want to become a politician," said Jim. His father asked, "And what are you doing to become one?" "Nothing, dad." "Good, you're halfway there then."

If George Washington was the father of our country, does that make his father the grandfather of our country?

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points. After a battery of physical and psychological tests, the center's director told him that he was an acceptable candidate. "That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive?" "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars. An ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand. An ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. And an ounce of a politician's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars." "Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politicians brain? Why on earth is that?" "Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"

Last night, someone actually jumped the fence of the Presidential Palace. The Security team eventually caught the person. The tackling officer said, “I'm sorry, but you have to stay here for all four years, Mr. President.”

Three Boy Scouts, were fishing in a boat one day when they heard a lot of commotion. They followed the sounds and found another boat capsized as a man struggled to keep his head above water. Being Boy Scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out. The man was Bill Clinton. The ex-president toweled himself off and caught his breath, and thanked the three scouts. He asked if there was anything he could do for them. "I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said. "Can you still pull that off?" "No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?" "I want to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout. "We can do that next week, too," Bill replied. "I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third. "I'm sure we can arrange that," said Bill. "But son, you're awfully young to be worrying about that, aren't you?" "You don't know my Dad," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna kill me!"

I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose." He said, "No." I told him, "She is Bill Gate's daughter." He said, "Yes." I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son." Bill Gates said, "No". I told Bill Gates, "My son is the CEO of World Bank." Bill Gates said, "Okay". I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, "No". I told him, "My son is Bill Gate's son-in-law." He said, "Okay." And this is how politics works!

George Washington was such a great president. He never blamed any of the country's problems on the previous administration.

Old man walks up and says, "For sixty years I've been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year." "Why's that?" "Better selection of turkeys!"