Jokes

Police officer: I'm sorry sir, but you will have to come with me. Driver: Why? Police officer: You were driving at 120 miles per hour! Driver: But I have only been in my car for 15 minutes!

A state trooper is driving down the highway when he sees a truck driver pull over, walk to the side of the truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck a few times, and then drive away. A couple of miles down the road the driver does the same thing. A few more miles, same thing. The trooper pulls the truck over and asks the driver to explain. The driver says, “Well, the load limit is ten tons, and I’m carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I’ve got to keep some of them flying around.”

Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?" Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!" Policeman: "How can you be so certain?" Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"

One night, while on foot patrol, a Police officer approached a local bar. Through the door stumbled a drunk who promptly fell on his backside. He lay on the ground with his eyes closed. Upon opening his eyes, he sees the Officer looking down at him. He says,"Osifer, did you see me fall!" The Officer says,"Yeah, I did." The drunk asks, “Do you know who I am?" "Nope." Comes the reply. "Well,” says the drunk, “Then how do you know it was me that fell?"

Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas. One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began: "911, what is your emergency?" "Osifer, I've been robbed!" "Can you be more specific sir?" "Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal." "Could you please repeat that sir?" By now there's a crowd gathering around the dispatcher's chair. "Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel." "Sir, what is your location?" "I'm in my car." "Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?" "Yes, shur. I'm on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!" "Alright, sir, we'll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm." The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in. "911, what is your emergency?" "Osifer?" "Yes, what is your emergency please?" "Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal." "Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?" "No, shur, I was just in the back seat."

A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman. He asked the policeman, "Why was I pulled over when I wasn't the only one speeding." The policeman replied, "Have you ever been fishing?" The man then said, "Yes, I have." "Well, have you ever caught all the fish?" asked the policeman.

A cop pulls a young guy over: "Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid. "Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop. Yup, but I didn't see you!

A man steals paintings from a museum and gets a few blocks away, runs out of gas and the cops catch him. When asked what happened he replied..."I didn’t have enough Monet to pay for Degas to make the Van Gogh!!!!

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said, "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all?" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available?"

One day there was this old man that was walking down the road. About a mile down the road he heard sirens and a police officer was behind him. So he stops and the cop gets out of his car and asked the man why he was walking with one foot on the curb and the man said, " O, thank God I thought I was cripple"

A man gets this real fast sports car and hes is flying down the road at about 80 mph. After a couple miles a cop pulls out on to the road and turns on his siren. The man pulls over and waits for the officer to give him a ticket. The officer comes up to his car and says "I have been waiting for you all day". The man says "Well I got here as fast I could".

A Highway Patrolman started creeping up on a highway speeder when it was evident that the individual being pursued realized there was a Highway Patrolman behind him and he stepped on the gas to out run the cruiser. The trooper turned on his beacons and siren and after a brief chase, the individual realized that he could not outrun the cruiser and decided it would be best if he just pulled over to the side and just give up. The Trooper pulled up behind the speeder and then walked up to the driver's side window. He said, "Sir, why were you trying to out-run me?" "You knew it would end this way." The speeder said, "Officer, please understand, I meant you no disrespect, but my wife ran off with a Highway Patrolman last month and I thought you were bringing her back."

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you, son? Driver: Cause you thought I had some doughnuts?

I stopped a drunk driver, and asked him to walk the white line. He said I’m not drunk. I'll walk that wire fence over there. I said ok, and he climbed onto the fence took a couple steps, and fell inside the fence. A large bull with huge horns butted him, he grabbed the horns, and they went around for several minutes. The bull finally threw him into the road, and he got up looked at me and said, "See I told you I wasn't drunk if I was I would have taken that bicycle away from that fellow".

A man traveling at 130 mph on the interstate was stopped by highway police. "Sorry, officer" said the driver, "was I driving too fast?" "No, sir. You were flying too low."

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.  Driving up beside her, he says, "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?" "Registration and license please" came the reply.

Speed Trap  A Police officer had been told by his sergeant that he was to bring up his quota of speeding fines, he decided to park and use his radar gun flashing the cars as they drove by on a busy street.  Well one hour went by then two and no one was speeding. After about six hours a lone car came speeding by at well over the limit, the officer turned on his lights and siren and pulled the car over. As the officer approached the drivers window he remarked "I've been waiting for you all day" and the driver replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could" 

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and asked, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it's right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their knives and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise. Came and killed those two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true, just ask the blind man he saw it too!!!

A fellow is trying out his new sports car; driving at 80 mph he sees a state patrol car in his mirror; he drives faster to 95 mph...the police car is right behind him; brings it up to 110 mph and the police car is right on his tail...finally, he stops; the trooper comes up to his car as asks "what's your story" the trooper continues; every time I stop someone going as fast as you were, they have some kind of story. He tells the trooper; "actually, I have a story but you wouldn't believe it" the trooper says "try me"...He then tells the trooper: "three months ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper...I thought you were him bringing her back!!

An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun." After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning "you want a drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept. "Car number 2, this is car number 1." "Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?" "Ten-four, Is there anything else?" "Yeah, you wouldn't believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."

Quick Wit:  A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.  "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".  "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."  "But officer, I just wanted to say...."  "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"  A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."  "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." 

Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?" Joe says, "Yes I did." "Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball." "Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is," the cop says. "Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?" He answered, "Shut Up." He asked again "What's your name?" "Shut Up." The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!" "Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."

Three guys witness a murder; the only problem is they each say only one thing. The first guy says, "Mememememe." The second guy says, "Forks and knifes." And the third guy says, "Goody, goody gumdrops." When the policeman gets there, he asks, "Who killed this man?" The first guy replies, "Memememememe." Then the policeman asks, "What did you kill him with?" The second guy replies, "Forks and knifes. Forks and knifes." Then the policeman says, "That's it! You're all going to jail." The third guy says, "Goody, goody gumdrops!"

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff said, "Well, that's not what I meant, but I guess you're right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket." The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts." The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, I'm giving you a ticket."

We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator. Well, not long ago, Mrs. Jim Jr., her face buried in a map book, said "Turn here!" I did, and didn't notice the "No Left Turn" sign. Just my luck, a policeman was nearby and stopped me. I tried to explain that we were lost and I was following my wife's directions. He issued me a ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of Wife."