Jokes

Police: Where do u live?Me: With my parents.Police: Where do your parents live?Me: With Me.Police: Where do you all live?Me: Together.Police: Where is your house?Me: Next to my neighbors house.Police: Where is your neighbors house?Me: You won't believe me if I tell you.Police: Tell Me!Me: Next to my house.

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

After a week of agonizing physical training, police academy cadets still hadn’t been admitted to the firing range. “I don’t get it,” huffed one trainee to another as they pounded out yet another five-mile jog. “What do you mean?” “We still don’t know how to protect people and property, but we’re getting real good at running away.”

2:00 a.m. and the street was deserted, so as the man pulls up to the red light he looks around all ways and seeing no one he rolls on through it. He is pulled over and he says to the cop really officer? No one is around I slowed down and looked, nobody was coming so I just went. No harm done. The officer said I can show you the difference very easily, step out of the car please, and maybe you won’t get a ticket. Willingly he stepped out and the officer proceeds to beat him with his night stick, and says “Now sir would you like me to slow down.. or stop.

Some years ago a local jewelry store donated a set of four time zone clocks to my hometown Police Department in Maywood, NJ. The first week all four clocks ran fine. On Monday the weekly test of the building generator was conducted.. The eastern, central and western clocks ran perfectly. While the mountain zone clock ran backwards. The problem continued. Needless to say, "the time" was always in question.

A crook rented an apartment over a police station. He feels he is "above the law, now!”

A police man pulls over a drunk driver for not stopping at a stop sign and asks the driver if he saw the stop sign. The driver replies "I did but it turned red too fast for me to stop."

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant. ‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’

Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. "And where do you think you are going?" Driver: "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is already coming back."

A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, “Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?" The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!" The cop says, “Really! Why is that? The driver replies," I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."

At the start of the shift one of the police officers asks "Did you hear about the terrible head on collision on route 208 between a Thunderbird and a Mustang? There was horse manure and feathers all over the road!" The Chief came into headquarters a few minutes later. Not being too fast on the uptake, he was asked the same question, followed by the same "Horse manure and feathers all over the road." "Anybody hurt?" he asked.

A Police officer approached a motorist stopped in the middle of the road before the river overpass holding up traffic. The officer noticed the driver jotting on a notebook frantically. He asked the driver, what in the world are you doing? The driver replied, "The sign says Draw Bridge".

The prison officer tells the warden, “Sir, I have to report that ten prisoners have broken out.” The alarmed warden says, “Blow the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police!" With a surprised look the officer says, “Shouldn’t we call the doctor first? It looks as if it might be measles."

A man was driving the wrong way down a one-way street. He was stopped by a policeman. “This is a one-way street,” said the officer. “I know,” said the motorist, “I’m only going one way.”

Here- why are you trying to cross the road in this dangerous place? There’s a zebra crossing just a few yards up the road, said the policeman. Well, I hope he’s having better luck than I am, said the pedestrian.

A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal Ave.?” The Bloke replied: “have you ever tried pushing it?”

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1... #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." # 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. " #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?" #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." #2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." The envelope please..................... AND THE WINNER IS ... #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

A Policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver, "When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, 'sixty-five at least.'” "SIXTY-FIVE!" shrieked the woman. "Yes, sixty-five." "I don’t think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older."

In Australia, a race was proclaimed, with a huge payoff for the winner. The one stipulation was that only ostriches were allowed to run the race. A fellow decided to enter, but not having an ostrich, and hearing that the fastest ostrich in the world was the mascot of the local police department, he stole the bird and entered the race. As luck would have it, when the pistol shot went off to start the race, the ostrich buried its head in the sand and the fellow lost the race. Moral: Never run afoul of the law!

After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer. “I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”

Two prisoners were making their escape over the jailhouse roof when one of them dislodged a tile. “Who’s there shouted a guard. The first prisoner replied with a convincing imitation of a cat’s meow. Reassured, the guard when back to his rounds But then the second prisoner dislodged another tile. The guard repeated, “Who’s there?” “The other cat,” answered the prisoner.

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now these are real tough guys in here.” Do you can handle it?” “No problem,” the applicant replied, “If they don’t behave, out they go!”

“Pull over the curb,” said the policeman. “You don’t have a taillight.” The motorist stepped out, looked in back of the car, and stood quivering and speechless. “Oh, it’s not that bad,” said the policeman. The man mumbled, “It’s not the taillight I am worried about. Where are my wife and trailer?”

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation. “Keep it,” the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

An inebriated crook had a little problem and ended up at the police station. “Couldn’t you get that crook to confess to the crime?” asked the police chief. “We tried everything, Sir. We browbeat and badgered him wit every question we could think of.” “How did he respond? He just dozed off and said now and then: “Yes, Dear. You are perfectly right.”

“Hello, police department? I’ve lost my cat and… " “I'm sorry lady, but this is not a police job, you can try calling…" “But you don’t understand, this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human. He can practically talk.” “Well, in that case ma'am, you’d better hang up. He may be trying to call you right now.”

The policeman was interviewing the man whose store had jus been robbed. “It’s bad,” said the owner, “but it’s not as bad as it would have been if he’d robbed me yesterday.” “Why is that?” the policeman asked “Because today everything was on sale.”

A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio. “I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” he reported. “A man has been robbed I’ve got one them.” “Which one?” asked the operator. “The one that was robbed.”

A man traveling over 125 miles per hour on the interstate was stopped by a highway patrol. “Sorry, officer,” said the driver, “was I driving too fast? “No, sir. Our were flying too low.”

The police officer: “You were exceeding the speed limit, ma’am, weren’t you?” The driver: “Yes, I was, sir, but you see my brakes are so bad that I wanted to get home before I had an accident.”