Jokes

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "that's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

A cop pulls over a lady for speeding and gives her a ticket saying, "That's $150 and two points." "Two points? What do I do with the points?" she asks. "Well," says the cop, "when you get twelve, you get a bike!"

A cop pulls a guy over for speeding. The guy tries to defend himself by saying, "I was just going with the flow of traffic." The Cop replies, "Ever go fishing?""Yeah." "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan." The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

Police cars valiantly profess, "Serve and Protect". Next time you get pulled over by a cop, say, "Fries and a Condom, please."

A police officer pulls over a car in the middle of the night: "Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?" "I've had 8 drinks, officer." "That's still no excuse to let your wife drive."

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures he can't outrun the cop and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

Q: What do you get if you put two state cops in an airplane? A: Paratroopers.

So I'm heading up to my parents house driving like 90 mph when a lady cop pulls me over, comes up to my car and she's like... "Young man, speeding? I've been waiting for you all day." I look up to her and I say, "I'm so sorry I'm late officer, I got here as fast as I could..."

One day two brothers named trouble and none of your business was out playing, trouble said you wanna play hide and seek, none of your business said sure, so none of your business counted while trouble went and hid. None of your business was looking under the cars and the police said son what's your name? The boy said none of your business, the police stunned said son are you looking for trouble? The boy said why yes!!!!

Two policemen call the station on the radio. "Hello. Is that you Sarge?” "Yes?” "We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.” "Have you arrested the woman?” "No sir. The floor is still wet."

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me To Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

This guy who is down and out on his luck finally gets a job at a funeral parlor, The boss tells him he will receive huge incentives if he digs out and bring back all the expensive coffins after every burial they conduct, He does very well at this until he's stopped one evening at a roadblock with a coffin full of mud. The officer asks him where is he going with this coffin and calls for backup. The guy responds calmly, "Officer, I don't like the place they buried me, so I'm moving elsewhere."

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing?“ “What if you have an accident? The priests say, “Don’t worry, my son. God is with us.” The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."

Last week our police station was broken into and the commode was stolen from the rest room. Yesterday the police reported that the investigation is ongoing but they still have nothing to go on.

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied. “You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained. "But I did slow down!” the guy argued. The cop shook his head. “You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.” The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down – what’s the difference?” The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.

A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?" The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields. The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face. The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels. The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!"

Question: Why did the police take the woman with insomnia to jail? Answer: Because she kept resisting a rest.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" "You can't be serious," said the man, "I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried," he said, "but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes; take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, until the clip was empty. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "Somebody loaded the gun with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A cop pulls over a guy and says, "Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?" "Gee, officer," the man replies. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"

A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She was going 65 on a street where the speed limit was 40. A cop pulled her over and said “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She said, “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrowed and he straightened up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She said, “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for back-up.” He muttered furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walked over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asked sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiled demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squinted warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbled. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulled it out of the glove compartment and handed it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He banged open the trunk of the car and flinched: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

A middle aged man buys himself a brand new convertible sports car and having just picked it up from the showroom decides to take it for a drive. Enjoying the wind in his hair as he takes another bend just kissing the apex he spies in the rear view mirror a policeman on a motorbike. Immediately he puts his foot on the gas and is soon approaching 100 miles an hour, then he comes to his senses and pulls over. As the policeman approaches the man starts to apologies when the officer says... “Look its 5:15PM on a sunny Friday afternoon and my shift ends in a few minuets if you can give me an excuse I have not heard before I will let you go.” He replies “Officer my wife left me for a policeman 6 years ago and when I saw you in my mirror I though you were trying to bring her back to me.” With this the officer closed his ticket book and waved the man on.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked. The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." At that moment, his wife who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smarty when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Finally, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

I have found myself a new exciting hobby. I go out in my car in the morning to the nearest Highway and sit with my window open and a hairdryer pointed out of the window. It's amazing how all the cars slow down!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. "I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Ain't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.