Jokes

You can tell a woman's mood by her hands... If she is holding a weapon of any sort, she is not happy!

Whiteboards... they are just remarkable!

I have to find a new gym... the one I have now isn't working out!

I locked my keys in the car the other day... But it was alright, I was still inside.

I did not like my beard at first... But then it grew on me.

If you ever need to know something, ask a teenager, they know everything!

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?

When tupperware gets a crack in it, do you perform plastic surgery?

You don't need to wear spurs on both boots... If one side of a horse starts to run, so will the other.

Did you hear about the nearsighted snake who fell in love with a piece of rope?

It’s so hot today that I saw a Robin pick up a worm with an oven mitt.

If I try to fail and I succeed, which one did I do?

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

How is it truly possible to have a "civil" war?

The geologist's theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

Sushi lovers... they are "hooked" on raw fish.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I'm glad I know sign language.. It's pretty handy.

If I don't participate in a boycott because I don't believe in boycotts, am I then actually boycotting a boycott?

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

If you take your laptop for a run, you jog your memory.

Dear Algebra Teacher, Please stop asking us to find your X!

We recently surveyed 100 women, asking them the question, "How old are you?" The #1 most popular answer was, "How old do you think I look?"

Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.

Q: What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate employee? A: In prison you get free health care.

How does an undertaker explain raising his burial charges? Blames it on the cost of living.

"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers." ~ Taxi driver

It's all about perspective... being OVER the hill than is much better than being UNDER it.

Research shows that 80% of men don’t know how to use condoms. These men are called DADS.