Jokes

Why should you do what a police dog with pups wants you to do? Because you should obey the "litter of the law".

Two fish in a tank one says to the other "How do you drive this thing"

Canadian geese are known to fly in a "V" shaped as they migrate across the county. The lead goose in the "V" cuts through the air making it easier for the rest of the geese behind him. As that lead goose becomes tired, he will drop off and join one of the sides and a new lead goose will take over. This is done several times as they are flying long distances. So if you look up in the sky and see a "V" shape of geese and one side is longer than the other, do you know what that means? A:(There are more geese on that side)

A man went to visit a friend of his who worked for the zoo, tending to the elephants. But found him crying. When asked what happened the friend replied that the largest bull elephant had died earlier that morning. "I'm sorry I didn't know you were so close to the elephant" "I'm not - I have to bury it."

How do dogs communicate in the modern world? P-mail And how do they tweet? Wee-mail

A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he's ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies 'that bird is $1000'. 'What?!?' cries the man, '$1000 for a bird? What does it do?’ 'Well, I'm glad you asked.' says the shop owner, 'you see, that bird can sing every female role in the ring cycle from memory.' The man thinks, ok but I can't afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is. 'That bird is $2000' replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. 'Well, he can play any Paganini concerto you request on the violin from memory' the man thinks wow, but I really can't afford that bird. He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird croaking in the corner of the cage, and, thinking that this bird couldn't cost very much, enquires. 'Oh, that bird is $20000' he is told by the owner. Flabbergasted, the man asks what this bird does. 'Oh, we haven't found out yet' the owner replies, 'but the other two call him 'Maestro''

A man and his son were walking down the street. The boy saw a dog walking and sniffing at the ground. What makes the dog sniff at the ground dad? That is INSTINCT son. A bit later his dad saw a dog sniffing another dog. Do you know why he's doing that son? I do dad, like you said before that’s END-STINK.

Q: Why did the cowboy ride his horse? A: Because he was too heavy to carry

The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.

What did the spider email to the fly? Visit my Web site!

The lion tamer led his young apprentice into the cage. “The first thing to remember,” said the older man, “is that if a lion jumps at you, throw something at it.” “And what do I do if there’s nothing to throw?” The lion tamer said, “If a lion jumps at you __ there will be.”

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

“Please keep your dog beside you, sir,” a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite to her on the bench at the park. “I can feel a flea in my shoe.” “Midnight, come here,” replied the man. “This woman has fleas.”

While drinking at the river, a young bear admires its reflection and growls, “I am the king of beasts!” Along comes a lion and roars, “What was that I just heard?” “Oh, dear,” says the bear, “you say strange things when you’ve had too much to drink.”

One horse can carry more money on its nose than the stage coach carried in all its history.

A man owned a very intelligent dog so, after a long period of time, taught him how to play poker. The dog did very well and won a lot of pots until the owner had to pull him out of the games. “He realized that whenever the dog held a really good hand he wagged his tail.”

These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts. The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear". They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"? "I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00. They agreed and off he went out into the night. Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door he yelled". They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the other one".

A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother muse puffed up her lungs and went, “Woof! Woof!” The cat turned tail and ran. With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settle and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children. “Now, what’s the lesson from that experience?” “We don’t know,” the baby mice squeaked. “It is this,” said Mother Mouse. “It’s always good to know a second language.”

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

Two ducks were out on a lake, one was feeling happy and the other one was feeling upset. When the one duck asked the other duck: "How was your anger therapy session?" the other duck replied: "He said I was in need of another session." The duck asked "Did you say anything to him to make him think that?" The other one said "All I said was that he was a quack."

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse serving drinks. The guy stares until the horse finally says, “What’s the problem? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?” The guy says, “No, it’s not that. It is just that I never thought the ferret would sell the place.”

A dog was chasing a neighboring cat around the block. The dog soon had the cat flattened. What did the cat say...? Me-Owww!!!

Once upon a time, there was a cat that died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, that she had to sleep in cold black alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but that here in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat lay down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them roller skates. One day God saw the cat again and asked her how she liked heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow He gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow was the meals on wheels.

“Is your new horse well-behaved Charles?” “Oh, yes Phil. When we come to a fence, he stops and lets me go over first.”

A rabbit walked into a restaurant with a lion. The waiter seats them and asks the rabbit, "What will you have?" The rabbit says bring me a half a head of lettuce. The waiter looks at the lion and says; and what will he have? The rabbit says "The lion?" he's not eating". The waiter says "why? Isn’t he hungry?" Then the rabbit says "if he was hungry do you think I'd be here?"

On your left are 3 Ostriches. On your right is a herd of gazelles being chased by a lion. In front of you are 4 deer. Behind you are 5 stampeding horses. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get off the Merry-Go-Round!

Papa Bear tossed and turned, but could not fall asleep. When his restlessness woke Mama Bear, she cried in exasperation; "How many times do I have to tell you? No coffee after September."

A young polar bear asks his father, "Dad, am I 100% Polar Bear" The father bear responds, "Well, son, I am all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your grandparents, even your great grandparents are 100% polar bear. So yes, son, you are 100% polar bear. Why do you ask?" The young polar bear replies "Because I am really cold!"

Q. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs? A. Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

A Rabbit walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "I want a cup of coffee.” The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here" So the Rabbit leaves, but when he leaves he sees two friends entering the bar so he joins them. His friends ask for a beer and sandwich but the rabbit says "I wanna cup of coffee" The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here" So the rabbit leaves again, but he sees two more friends so he joins them in the bar. His friends order a beer and a sandwich but the Rabbit still says, "I want a cup of coffee" "Look,” says the bartender "we don’t serve coffee here. Now leave or I will nail your ears to the bar!" So the rabbit leaves, but he yet again sees two more friends and enters the bar. But this time the rabbit says, "Do you have a hammer?" "No" replies the bartender Do you have any nails?" "No" "Then I want a cup of coffee"