Jokes

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh....

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles!

Why do elephants have 4 feet? Because they'd look silly with 6 inches.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says - "What the hell was that all about?"

Two men were walking down the street when they saw a dog licking himself. One man said "I wish I could do that." The other man said "you should probably just pet him first."

In a small town the veterinarian, who was also the chief of police, was awakened by the telephone. “Please hurry!” said the woman’s voice on the other end of the line. “Do you need the police or a vet?” he asked. “Both,” the woman replied. “I’m not able to get my dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar’s leg in it.”

An Alien, upon landing on earth, approached a bird on a branch. “Can you please direct me to a hotel? The bird replied, “Cheep, cheep.” “Well, it’d better be,” answered the alien. “It cost me a fortune to get here!”

One afternoon, a woman was gardening when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. She could tell from his collar and well-fed stomach that he had an owner. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. Almost an hour later, he went to the door, and she let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for a few days. Curious, the woman pinned a note on his collar: “Every afternoon your dog has been coming to my house and taking a nap.” The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “Cloud lives in a home with five children…he’s just trying to catch up on his sleep.”

Dogs may not be able to use the Internet but they do have pee-mail. When they go outside they always want to check their messages and leave a status update.

Am I a polar bear? One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?" The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear." Why do you ask? I’m Freezing!! replied the his son

Mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language".

What creature has more lives than a cat? A Frog. They croak every night.

How do you stop an elephant from going through the eye of a needle? "Tie a knot in his tail".

Two bumpkin chicks in the hen house are discussing about the bad feed they eat. This shorter one is just listening, not answering to the talkative one. All of a sudden he stops and says: I have decided to go to College on a night course. Why is that, why such an urgent matter? My relatives, all of my folks, and my friends are been humiliated, they are all fed up with this lousy feed, but worse of all, to be called bumpkin and hick all the time, you silly. I will become an attorney and won’t be humiliated anymore.

Q: Why did the T-rex go to the doctor? A: Because he had a Dino-sore!

Q: Why does a Giraffe have long legs? A: So that it can reach the ground.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? Answer: Because the "P" is silent

What do you call a group of musical pigs? An oinkestra!

Did you hear about the elephant who was always left out of things and thus felt irrelephant?

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!

Watson came excitedly to Sherlock Holmes place and told him his dog had swallowed his ring. Sherlock told Watson "Don't worry. He will pass it eventually". Watson replies "Thank you very much, Sherlock". Sherlock says to Watson."It's alimentary, my dear Watson"

A man looks out the window into his back yard and sees his dog shaking and tossing something into the air. He rushed out to find that it was the neighbors' rabbit, Mr. Bun Bun, and he was very dead. Mr. Bun Bun was also filthy with dog drool and mud, but thankfully there was no blood: his back must have broken at the first shake. The man decided that he could not possibly explain to his neighbors how his dog had gotten into their yard and broke into the rabbit cage and killed Mr. Bun Bun while they were away. He bathed Mr. Bun Bun until completely clean and dry, placed him back in his cage, re-latched the door and hoped they would believe that their rabbit had passed away peacefully. Several days later, the man notices his neighbor mowing his lawn, so he walks over and asks how things were going. "Well" the neighbor says, "not so well. We lost Mr. Bun Bun last week, and we are all still very upset about it all." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "Yes, we found him one day when we got home, and he must have died in his sleep because he looked so peaceful." (Whew!) "Well, that does not sound too bad." "Oh no, and we were not surprised: I mean he was very old, and had really started to show his age the last few months." "I guess I am a bit confused then, as to why your family is still upset." "Well, we buried the little guy out by the back fence and thought we were all done with it, but you are not going to believe this: Someone dug him up, cleaned him up and put his body back into his cage as some form of mean and nasty practical joke."

Q: Why couldn't the pony sing? A: Because he's a little hoarse.

In a beauty contest among birds, the finalists believe it or not were a chicken, an ostrich and a flamingo. And soon after the show, the judges were unanimous in reaching the final choice. And guess who won? The chicken, of course! The judges admitted that both the ostrich, and flamingo legs were beautiful, but the chicken had prettier laid eggs.

What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags? “Mmmm, sandwiches!”

A deer was trying to cross a busy road but the traffic was very heavy. After waiting unsuccessfully for a few minutes, a bear walked past and said: “Excuse me, there’s a zebra crossing a bit further along the road.” The deer said, “Well, I hope he’s having better luck than I am!

A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked: “What’s happening?” The runner replied breathlessly: “A lion has escaped from the zoo.” “Oh my, which way is it heading?” “Well you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?”

Herds of elephants from all over Africa were summoned to a meeting in the jungle, as their national leader took his place on the stage, one of the African elephants trumpeted impatiently: “Come on, tell us what this is all about. We’re all ears.”

Two snails went to an auto race. There were twenty six cars, so instead of numbers the cars were identified by letters from A to Z. As the race started, the 'S' car quickly sped away from the trailing pack of cars. Seeing this, the one snail said to the other, "Hey, look at that 'S' car go!"

A man and his dog walk into a bar and sit on bar stools. The man says I want a Bud. The dog says I want a very dry Martini with three olives. A guy at a nearby table says to his friend, "My God, did you hear that?" The friend says, "So what, lots of people like three olives in their Martinis."