Jokes

An old man always had his dog chained up, and one day he decided to take the dog out hunting with him. Since the dog has been chained up for so long it ran for a chance at freedom. The man ran after the dog hoping to catch it. The dog ran over a cliff. The man said, "dog gone it."

A man graduated from veterinary school then took a course in taxidermy. He now has a sign in his Doctor's office that reads, "Veterinarian/Taxidermist - Either way - you get your pet back".

Kerry the tomcat was scampering all over the neighborhood – down alleys, up fire escapes, into cellars. A disturbed neighbor knocked on the owner’s door and said, “Your cat is rushing about like mad.” “I know,” the man conceded. “Kerry’s just been neutered, and he’s running around canceling engagements.” - Larry Wilde – Library of Laughter

How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a coconut.

This is what cats have scheduled around the clock! You indoor cat owners can agree with me! 12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat! 1:00 AM: After human feeds the cat at midnight, the cat gets a surge of energy and has a sudden need to play!! Cat then jumps up and down on human’s chest as a use for entertainment. 3:06 AM: After the human throws the cat off the bed, the cat jumps back up on the bed and finds the human's toes as a new toy. 3:10 AM: After the human kicks the cat off the bed, the cat gets angry and storms out of the room. 4:00 AM: Human goes to the bathroom. Cats find this a great opportunity to show affection for human. When human returns to the bedroom he finds the cat totally stretched out in the right across the dead center of the bed. After human throws cat into basement the cat feels upset and hurt. Cat claws and meows at the door in order to get the humans attention. 4:10 AM: Human frustrated because it is getting no sleep and it has to go to work at 5:00. The human cannot sleep because it hears the loud noises that the cat is making. Human opens the door to the basement and the cat runs into the human’s bedroom and under the bed. 4:40 AM: After spending 30 minutes trying to get the cat out from under the bed. The human gives up and rushes to get ready for work. 5:59 AM: After the human gets a shower and brushes its teeth. It opens the door to leave for work, when the cat runs out into the yard. 5:15 AM: The human finally catches the cat and it is very tired and upset he will be 20 minutes late for work. 5:20 AM: After being roughly thrown inside, the cat watches the human speed off. The cat then congratulates himself of a job well done and the cat sleeps for the next 3 hours. 8:30 AM: After spending 3 hours of lovely slumber the cat gets busy to work by throwing up and going to the bathroom on the carpet. The cat then amuses itself by knocking over lamps, shedding on the furniture, eating plants, and eating meat on the counter that the human forgot to put away last night. 3:00 PM: The cat is very tired after destroying the house and the cat goes to the human’s bed and finds comfort under the covers. 5:00 PM: The human walks in the door coming from work and it is very upset because it got fired from work for being late. 5:05 PM: The human is very tired and falls over on the bed in exhaustion. 5:06 PM: The human tries to calm the cat down after it was just smashed by the human. 6:00 PM: The human feeds the cat and the cat forgives the human for smashing it! 9:00 PM: After feeding the cat again the human attempts to go to sleep because it has to wake up at 5:00 because it wants find another job. 9:30 PM: The human goes to bed finally after watching TV with the cat. The human then decides to sleep for at least 2 and half hours. 12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat..................

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still mess on the carpet in the dark. 11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there... 13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? 14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ... 15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. HUmans change light bulbs.

Jack was single. He lived in a small flat, which he shared with a pet parrot and a pit bull terrier named spike. When Jack's dishwashing machine broke down, he asked his neighbor Pet, the repairman to come and fix it. “The terrier won't harm you,” said Jack before leaving, "But whatever you do, NEVER SPEAK TO THE PARROT" Soon after, the parrot started on Pet: "I heard your wife shout at you the other day, you are such a wimp" Pet ignored it and kept working. "You couldn't change your flat tire the other day" said the parrot, “so how are you going to fix a dishwashing machine?" Fed up, Pet replied, "Okay. How would I expect you, with the brain the size of a bean to talk any sense?" That’s it! Said the parrot, Spike, Get him!

There was an ant hill were the ants would work hard everyday making little houses for them, and every week an elephant would pass by and step on the little hill. The ants got tired of this happening so they decided to have a meeting about it. In the meeting the main ant said, "Fellow ants as you all know we are here to do something about this elephant," one of the ants raised his hand and yelled, "I have a plan, I have a plan". "Go ahead, what’s your plan,” said the leader. "Ok, this is what we'll do, next week when the elephant passes by before he steps on our hill we all jump on him and beat him up, that should teach him a lesson". The following week they waited for the elephant, "He's coming, he's coming!" said a little ant. "Ok this is it,” said the main ant "JUMP ON HIM!" So all the little ants jumped on the huge elephant. When the elephant felt all the ants and he shook them all off, all of them except for one. All the ants that were on the ground saw the ant that remains right on the elephant’s neck, so from the ground the other ants yelled out "CHOKE HIM! CHOKE HIM!"

A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." "Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?" "No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class."

A kid centipede comes running to his house, and knocks on the door and says, "Dad open up, a chicken is chasing me!!!" The dad centipede says, “Hold up, let me put my shoes on first!"

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!” says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," Says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes! His friend says to him "You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it!" and the guy says, "I only have to out run you!"

Q: Why are anteaters so healthy? A: Because they are high on ant-i-bodies!

Q: What do you call a story told by a giraffe? A: A tall tale!

Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room. The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!" When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?" "Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.

Why did the turtle cross the road? “To get to the shell station.” Why was the turtle so shiny when he left the shell station? He used some turtle wax!

“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop. “No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.”

A male crab and a female lobster are dating, but they are hiding it from their parents because of the obvious reason. Eventually the lobster gets tired of all the secrecy and she tells her father, who is furious and forbids her to see the crab again. “But why can’t I see the crab again? We’re in love!” cries the lobster. “Because,” says the father, trying to search for a reasonable answer, “crabs walk sideways and we walk straight!” “Please, father,” she begs. “Just meet him once and I’m sure you will change your mind.” The father finally agrees to meet the crab and she runs our to tell him the good news. The crab is so excited that he practices walking straight. He practices and practices until finally he can walk straight. He walks the entire way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can. The father sees him coming and yells to his daughter, “Hey, here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”

A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he is cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”

If a flea and a fly pass each other, what time is it? Fly past flea.

Q: Where do cows go on Fridays? A: To the Moooovies

Q: What happens when a duck flies upside down? A: He quacks up.

Q: What do you get if you put a 20 ducks in a box? A: A box of Quakers

There were two cows in a paddock and one said to the other, "I'm a bit worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around." The other answered; "It won't worry me, I'm a helicopter!!"

A Hamster, a Cat and a Dog all live in the same house. The Hamster decided she wanted to go on a journey, so she packed a bag and put on her favorite hat and started on her way. The Cat noticed the Hamster was preparing to leave so she decided since there wouldn't be anyone to chase she would follow just far enough behind the hamster as to not tip her off. She packed a bag and put on her favorite sweater. Then waited for the hamster to be just far enough away. Then she followed. The Dog noticed the Cat was leaving he didn't want to be left alone with no one there to chase. So packed what he could carry in a small bag and grabbed his favorite chew toy. Then waited just long enough for the Cat to get a little further away and then followed just far enough behind as to not tip off the Cat. Then as the Dog was following the Cat and the Cat was following the Hamster the local animal control caught the Dog and the Cat. While the Hamster looked on with a big grin from ear to ear.

Q: Why is the Dalmatian always found when playing hide and go seek? A: Because his is spotted!

Q: Why do dogs make such poor gamblers? A: When they get a good hand at poker, they wag their tails.

Three ducks, in line, are crossing the road. “The duck in the back says, “Quack, quack!” The duck in the front says, “Hey, I’m moving as fast as I can!”

Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles? At the police station they asked him, “Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this?" He said, “No, it all happened so fast.”