Jokes

Did you hear about the blind man who took a hammer and saw?

I would think you'd have to be open minded to be a brain surgeon...

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more!

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

I took my pain pill... so why are you still here?

Anybody who's busy pulling on the oars hasn't got time to rock the boat.

Living beyond your means takes twice as much money as it used to.

How come there on no F's in phonetics?

Money talks, but credit has an echo.

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around.

I had an uncle who drank a lot... When he died, he was cremated. He burned for two days.

I had an uncle who was allergic to cotton... He got some pills for the condition but couldn't get them out of the bottle.

Is there such a thing as a rhetorical answer?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance... WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!!!

If convenience stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Just remember, every silver lining has a cloud.

Brain cells come... And brain cells go.... But oh how those fat cells remain forever...

My chiropractor is no comic, but he really cracks me up.

Vacuum cleaner sales slogan: ITS A DIRTY JOB BUT SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT!

It can be fatal to live too long...

What is a clear conscience? A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory!

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? (I feel like I've forgotten this before…)

I'm not afraid of dying.... I just don't want to be there when it happens!

If some people said what they thought, they'd be speechless.

As you slide down the Banister of Life, also pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way.

My mind works like lightning... One second there's a brilliant flash, and then it's gone!

If all your problems are behind you... Then you might be a school bus driver!

Don't you just hate it when people respond with BIG WORDS that make them sound so PERSPICACIOUS?

A man was going bald and told his friends he was going to get a rabbit tattooed on his head as it was a lot cheaper than an implant or a toupée. His friends asked how getting a rabbit tattooed on his head would help? The man replied, "Well, at least from a distance it will look like hare."

If we find life on other planets, what would happen to the Miss Universe pageant?