Jokes

Confucius says... "Man who stands in front of car gets tired, man who stands behind car gets exhausted."

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do!

Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.

To err is human. To blame someone else for your error is even more human.

This sentence contradicts itself... no, wait, actually it doesn't.

If fortune tellers know the future, how come it's so difficult to find a happy medium?

I will not sleep... ... not until I find a cure for my insomnia.

If you are dating someone who only visits and annoys you at night... ... then you must be dating a Mosquito.

I just did a week's worth of cardio... ... all after walking into a spider web.

Becoming aware of one's character defects leads naturally to the next step... Blaming one's parents.

Definition of Myrrh... Myrrh: i. a type of perfume or incense; ii. the second gift of the Magi; iii. a great scrabble word when you are out of vowels.

Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself. Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out. Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later. Male zebras have white stripes... but female zebras have black stripes. Money DOES talk... but to me it says goodbye.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it??? It's a small world... but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious.

A wise man once said... Nothing.

If God had wanted me to touch my toes... He would have put them on my knees!

Wanna have a little fun? Go to an antique store and ask, "What's new?"

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet... I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in... A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

I like the paper my final exam is on. It fascinates me. I can sit and stare at it for hours.

I always carry a skeleton key with me just in case... Just in case I have to break into a haunted house.

Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf itself.

An exceptional pilot uses his exceptional knowledge to avoid needing his exceptional skill.

What are secrets? Secrets are what we tell everyone not to tell anyone.

People go on vacation to forget things... Then they open their travel bags and find that they did.

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction!

"Hocus Pocus" doesn't work anymore... I think they changed the password.

Generally, a person has two reasons for doing something... One reason that sounds good, and then one reason that is the real one.

If a person is very adept at telling falsehoods about the money he owes, does that mean he's really good at telling us his LIE-abilities?

MARRIAGE is a fancy word for adoption of an overgrown MAN-CHILD that can't take care of himself.

Once over the hill, I started to pick up speed!