Jokes

You know you are having a bad day when your twin sister forgets your birthday.

“Does a man-eating shark eat women too?”

You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the handsome prince... But he probably isn't going to be interested in some frog-kisser.

What can you break without touching? Promise.

What do you get if worms ruled the earth? Global Warming.

“Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?”

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?”

Remember back when we were kids, and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Me neither.

“How can someone ‘draw a blank?’”

“Do hummingbirds hum because they don’t know the words?”

“Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?”

Everyone has photographic memory! Difference is some do not have any film.

Money talks, but all mine ever says is, "Good-bye."

Bacon was definitely the 
first-round draft pick in the BLT... No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce!

I have lost my mind! And I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

I.R.S.... We have got what it takes, to take what you have got!

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

She is always late... Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower!

I just got lost in deep thought... It was unfamiliar territory.

Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

I'm not fat or overweight, I'm just easier to see.

I'm great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If God had intended us to fly... he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

If a wife is called the 'better half', then what is a husband called?

Why is Alabama the smartest state? Because it has 4 A's and one B!

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue!

I just put my new hearing aid in... I can even hear my thoughts now.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but nature beat me to it.

Did you ever notice when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

When humans are young, they are pushed around in strollers... When they are old, they are pushed around in wheelchairs... In between, they are just pushed around...