Jokes

In what direction does a sneeze travel? Atchoo!

It has been proven that the chances of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

I wanted to thank everyone for defining the word "plethora" for me... It means a whole lot to me!

Teach your kids about taxes... Eat 30% of their ice cream.

If athletes get athlete's foot.... Does that mean astronauts get mistletoe?

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car? A Pink Car-nation!

Do married people live longer than single people? Or does it just feel that way?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

I'm changing my name to "Everyday"... Because that's what the people I owe money to call me.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow... Just how cold is it going to be?

Why did the gardener always eat her toast dry? Because she saw the butter-fly!!

I don't believe in reincarnation... I didn't believe in it the last time, either.

Where did the kangaroo go to get its eyesight checked? To a hop-tician!

Heard at an optometrist's convention... "The Eyes have it."

Did you hear about the guy who was wanted by a bank? He was in debt with them, so he was wanted, "Debtor Alive"!

The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep!

I knew that Charlotte was cheating on me when she said that she was shopping with Jessie. Meanwhile, Jessie was right next to me having dinner. I was so hurt and disappointed.

Did you hear about the guy who survived being struck by lightning? He was shocked!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy... Other times I let him sleep.

Where do fish keep their money? "In the River Banks."

Q: If April Showers bring May Flowers, What Do May Flowers Bring? A: Pilgrims.

Do you know how long Grandfather Clocks have been around? Since the beginning of time...

A friend of mine asked me to go to the front of his car to see if his turn signal was working. I did and yelled out, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."

"Did your identical twin ever call you UGLY?"

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes? Come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

How can you tell when the nursery employees are most excited about spring? When they wet their plants.

At my age, rolling out of bed in the morning is easy... Getting up off the floor is another story.

What ten-letter word starts with G-A-S? Automobile!