Jokes

Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants!

I’m a peripheral visionary...

Why is the letter 'B' very cold? Because its between AC.

I spent the night in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I don’t think George Clooney has a bathroom mirror... He just has a note taped to the wall that says, “Don’t worry about it.”

You didn't drop that thing... You simply abandoned it to the unchecked forces of gravity.

Reality is a nice place to visit... But I sure would not want to live there!

Tomorrow will be canceled because of lack of interest...

What is in the middle of a jellyfish? It's jelly button.

When they first invented the clock... How did they know what time to set it to?

What if there was no such things as hypothetical questions?

Where do ghosts go for a swim? To the Dead Sea!!

What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!

I put my root beer in a square glass... Now it's just beer.

I once played poker with tarot cards... I got a full house and four people died.

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force!

Where do fish go on vacation? To Finland!

You ever wonder, why is the alphabet in the order that it is???

What happened when Lee ate raw onions for a week? He became Lone Lee...

What vegetable needs a plumber? A leek!

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date!

Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short-cut!

The 50-50-90 rule: If you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right... There’s a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

"What happened, where were you?" "Sorry, I forgot all about the Amnesia Conference!"

Turn your next trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge... You do that by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.

I went to a restaurant. It was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over thirty minutes. I took out my cell phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! She's here with someone else!" Six couples got up and quickly left.

What If oxygen is slowly killing us... And it just takes 75-100 years to fully work?

To succeed in life, you need three things... A wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.