Jokes

A lawyer has just settled down in his new office. So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients. After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office. Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action. So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now. I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you." He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?" "Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."

Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."

-- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting. -- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. -- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. -- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. -- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking. -- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. -- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.

My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

I came out of the gym the other day and someone asked me, “How have you got that body?” I said, “I don’t know officer, I just opened the boot and there she was.”

PRISON OFFICER: OK, Sutcliffe, dinners finished. What do you want for dessert? Ice Cream? Jelly? SUTCLIFFE: No - But I could murder a tart

My old Granddad was mugged in the park last week, punched in the face and his wallet stolen. The police arrived and took a description of the attacker alongside other details. “How much cash was in your wallet, sir?” asked the police officer. “£800,” said Granddad. “OK, sir,” said the police officer as he was leaving, “we’ll let you know if we find out anything.” Granddad, I said, where did you get 800 pounds ? You don’t have that kind of money. I know, said Granddad, but if they catch the cunt it’s my word against his.

So this guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over. … … He comes up to the man and asks, “Why were you speeding today sir?” … … The man replies, “I’m a juggler in a circus, and I’m late for my next show. I apologize. I assume you’ll be needing my license and registration.” … … The cop looks intrigued, and says “whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggling! If you let me film you for a minute and send it to my daughter, I’ll let you go with a warning.” … … The juggler says, “officer, I don’t have my equipment with me, I had to ship it separately.” the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back five flares from his car and lights them. … … The juggler effortlessly starts to toss and catch the flaming flares and the officer is very impressed. Meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out, stumbles into the back seat of the police car, and closes the door. the officer slowly approaches, hand on his gun, and says “sir, I’m going to have to ask you to slowly step out of the vehicle.” The man looks at the cop and chuckles, his words slurred, “sorry officer but I ain’t never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there”

Went to a wedding today. It was just some girl from the office that I don’t even like that much, but I thought I’d show my face just to be sociable. Plus, her dad is paying for our honeymoon.

: “Student excited dad got head job” “Get 50% off or half price, whichever is less” “Tiger Woods plays with his own balls, Nike says” “Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops significantly after the age 25” “QUESTION OF THE DAY Question: What constitutes a millionaire? Answer: A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto” “One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers” “A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mail boxes. It was the mailman” “Fish needs water, Feds say” “Alton attorney accidentally sues himself” “County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds” “Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum” “13:33pm Sonora - A man came to the Sheriff’s Department to “find out how to legally kill” a person who was harassing him” “Wal-Mart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito” “At 12:22pm a celluar caller reported a large snapping turtle in the roadway at Elm Street and Cresecent Road. The turtle fled the area undetected” “A 21-year-old man reported a battery on East Green Street Friday night. According to police report, an unknown suspect threw a condom at the victim hitting him in the face. No arrests have been made at the time of the report” “Employees of Eckerd’s reported about 12:25am Tuesday that two men came into the store, loaded birthday bags with “Have a nice day” yellow faces on them with 52 tubes of vaginal anti-funal cream, and left without paying. The cream was valued at $894.98″ “Police checked the area and found an open door in the back of the building. An officer went inside and called out: “Marco.” The man’s name was not Marco, detective Tim Dohr said. Instead, “the officer was trying to inject some humor into the situation.” Police found the suspect after he responded, “Polo.” “CHINA CABINET, buffet, hutch solid pine, 6.5 tall x 4.5 wide, lighted windows, few cat scratches but cat has been killed. $700.” “HUMAN SKULL, USED ONCE only. Not plastic. $200” “TOMBSTONE: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady”

There was a kid who wouldn't learn the letters of the alphabet, so his teacher said 'go home, and learn the letters!' He went home and asked his sister "What's the first letter?" She said "Shut up!" Then he asked "what's the second letter?" She was singing along with the radio, so she said "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Then he went to see his dad, who was watching football, and said "What's the third letter?" His dad said "Go! Go! Go!" "What's the fourth letter?" "64! 64! 64!" Then he went to see his brother, who was watching TV, and said "What's the sixth letter?" His brother ignored him while watching TV and said "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!" The next day the teacher said. "Okay, what's the first letter?" "Shut up!" "Are you trying to get in trouble?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" "Go! Go! Go!" "How many spankings do you want? "64! 64! 64!" "Who do you think you are?" "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"

A 4-year-old kid was at school and his teacher told him that his homework was to learn the first four letters of the alphabet. At home his mum was on the phone when he asked her what’s the first letter of the alphabet so she said “Shut up.” His dad was watching a football match when the kid asked him about the second letter of the alphabet so he said “YES YES YES!!!” because his favorite team had just scored. His brother was playing Bat-Man when the kid asked him what’s the third letter of the alphabet so he said “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” and the kid went away, happy. His 2 and 3/4 year old sisters playing with her dolls when he asked her about the fourth letter of the alphabet so she said “On my voom voom car.” The next day at school when his teacher asked him for the first letter of the alphabet he said Shut Up, so the teacher asked him if he wanted to go to the principal’s office, and he said YES YES YES!!! At the principal’s office the principle asked him “Who do you think you are?” the kid replied “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” so the principle said “How are you going to get out of this mess?” And the kid replied “On my voom voom car”

Three things blacks never say that white people say all the time. 1. I’ve paid all the bills for this month. 2. Hi Dad! 3. Thanks for the warning officer.

Q: What's the difference between a black guy and a white guy? A: A white guy can say "Hey Dad" and "Good morning officer".

A kid went to the police department to report about his stolen bicycle. OFFICER: Are you suspicious about anyone who would steal it? KID: My parents, I guess. Because in the night I heard dad saying: "Hump on it before Derek wakes up!"

Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, "Dad, tomorrow there's a special 'Adults' evening' at school. Daddy is surprised, "Really? Special?" "Yes," nods Johnny, "it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers."

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting… on a Saturday morning… after breakfast… Dad: People this is unacceptable. OK I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office But You too have to limit the use of the phone. Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone. Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile. All of them now in a state of shock and together they look at their maid who until now is patiently listening to them Maid (unbaffled): So - what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !

An Office Manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified - an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Gujarati from India. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know?” Dave, the American, replied, “A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And now you sir?” he asked Vladimir, the Russian. “Hmm…. let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.” He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light” he said. Turning to Patel, the Guy from India, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!) “Apter herring da 3 prebius ansers sir, et’s obius to me dat the fastest thing is DIARRHEA.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats… “Oh, I can expleyn sir,” said Patel. “You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was pheeling bad and so I run so fast to the baatrum,, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I alredi done it !”

A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for “parking.” He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window. “Yes, officer?” “What are you doing?” “Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.” The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?” “I’m 22, sir.” “And her, what’s her age? The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.

My wife just called me. She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous.” I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”

Despite receiving five Valentine’s cards at work today, I’ve never felt so low. I wish we had a woman in the office.

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample. The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?" The doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear."

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again. Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives." But is was still not good! So they tried: "Minds and Behinds" "Analysis and Anal Cysts" "Nuts and Butts" "Freaks and Cheeks" "Loons and Moons" "Lost Souls and Ass Holes" None worked. Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends." APPROVED!

One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute. This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day. The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute's ass. The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."

An old woman goes to the doctor's office. The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests." The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."

A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be. A man in the waiting room who had been watching her said in amazement; "My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?" The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane!"

A man called his doctor and said, “Doctor, I think that my wife has come down with a case of laryngitis.” “Bring her into the office, then” the doctor said, “and I’ll see what I can do to treat the condition.” “Actually, I was hoping you could tell me how to prolong it.”

Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the public school system. One day he got an easy homework assignment.  All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence.  This is what he did.... 1.  HOTEL    --    I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody. 2.  RECTUM   --    I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both. 3.  DISAPPOINTMENT   --    My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house. 4.  FORECLOSE   --    If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money  FORECLOSE. 5.  CATACOMB   --    Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that CATACOMB. 6.  PENIS   --    I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS. 7.  ISRAEL   --    Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL. 8.  UNDERMINE   --    There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE. 9.  TRIPOLI   --    I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't find no TRIPOLI. 10.  STAIN   --    My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again. 11.  SELDOM   --    My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I  SELDOM. 12.  ODYSSEY   --    I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe. 13.  HORDE   --    My  sister got into trouble because she HORDE around  in school. 14.  INCOME   --    I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife. 15.  FORTIFY   --    I axed  da hoe how much?  And she say FORTIFY. Donny got an A.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.