: “Student excited dad got head job” “Get 50% off or half price, whichever is less” “Tiger Woods plays with his own balls, Nike says” “Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops significantly after the age 25” “QUESTION OF THE DAY Question: What constitutes a millionaire? Answer: A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto” “One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers” “A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mail boxes. It was the mailman” “Fish needs water, Feds say” “Alton attorney accidentally sues himself” “County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds” “Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum” “13:33pm Sonora - A man came to the Sheriff’s Department to “find out how to legally kill” a person who was harassing him” “Wal-Mart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito” “At 12:22pm a celluar caller reported a large snapping turtle in the roadway at Elm Street and Cresecent Road. The turtle fled the area undetected” “A 21-year-old man reported a battery on East Green Street Friday night. According to police report, an unknown suspect threw a condom at the victim hitting him in the face. No arrests have been made at the time of the report” “Employees of Eckerd’s reported about 12:25am Tuesday that two men came into the store, loaded birthday bags with “Have a nice day” yellow faces on them with 52 tubes of vaginal anti-funal cream, and left without paying. The cream was valued at $894.98″ “Police checked the area and found an open door in the back of the building. An officer went inside and called out: “Marco.” The man’s name was not Marco, detective Tim Dohr said. Instead, “the officer was trying to inject some humor into the situation.” Police found the suspect after he responded, “Polo.” “CHINA CABINET, buffet, hutch solid pine, 6.5 tall x 4.5 wide, lighted windows, few cat scratches but cat has been killed. $700.” “HUMAN SKULL, USED ONCE only. Not plastic. $200” “TOMBSTONE: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady”