Jokes

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy and the others a little lighter....

What do you call a three legged dog? Tripod! What do you call a two legged dog? Bipod! What do you call a one legged dog? Pogo!

So a duck walks into a bar and asks the Bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender says, "No!". The duck walks out, comes back the next day and asks the Bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender says, "No!". The duck walks out, comes back the next day and asks the Bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender says, "No! And if you come back again I'll staple your beak to the bar". The duck walks out, comes back the next day and asks the Bartender, "Got any staples?" The bartender says, "No!". "Got any gwapes"?

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef! What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef! What do you call it when a cow tries to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder Destruction!

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?" "Yeah!" the bartender replies. "With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck. "Of course," the bartender replies. "And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???"

A new neighbour called the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on the road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

Q: Why don't animals play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs.

Customer: I'd like some poison for mice please. Chemist: Have you tried Boots? Customer: I want to poison them, not kick them to death.

Boy : I lost my dog! Girl : Well, why don't you put an advertisement in the paper? Boy : What's the good of that my dog can't read?

Q:What did the Grape say when the Elephant stepped on it? A:Nothing, It just let out a little Whine!

How is a snail stronger than an elephant? Because an elephant carries his trunk, but a snail carries his house!

Eagle asks a girl, "You know why hunting me would be a bad idea?" Girl, "Yeah, Because it's ill-eagle!"

“How good are elephants at hiding in trees?” “What do you mean? Elephants don't hide in trees.“ "Well, have you ever seen one?”

Where do you get dragon milk? From cows with short legs!

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.

A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100." The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer. The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again. He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?" The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, "Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

My Toy Pomeranian got ate by my grumpy old cat. I hated it and I loved the little guy! A few days later the cat coughed the little hairball up! Hey, he lost a few pounds and looks pretty good!

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' ''What about the green one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' ''What about the red one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.'' The man says, ''What does he do?'' The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

A man stands at the bar boasting that he has a dog that is the greatest fighter of all and will beat any dog in a fight and to prove this offers a prize of a $1,000 if his dog can be beaten. An old man sitting near by says my Terrier will beat your dog no problem! So the man immediately sets up a fight between the two dogs. In the ring the two dogs are thrown in and the man's dog growls and starts to bite the other dog with its massive teeth for the terrier to flick itself around and snap the neck of the dog and then devour it whole! True to his word the man counts out the grand and hands it over saying “just what type of Terrier is that?” The old man puts the money in his pocket and replies “a long tailed short haired snub nose Terrier or Alligator for short.”

A guy walks into a bar and asks, "Who owns that Doberman tied up outside?" A man replies, "That's my dog". "Well," says the first man, "I think my Chihuahua killed him." "Your CHIHUAHUA killed my Doberman?" "How'd he do that?" asks the man at the bar. "I'm not sure. I think he got lodged in his throat".

Q: What do you call a cat that drinks your lemonade? A: A Sour Puss

Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc. He served his time and was released. He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant. He then said to the guy beside him, "You are not gonna believe what this ant can do." He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant. The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "You see that ant?" The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "Sorry sir it won't happen again."

What do you call a bee that belches? A Burp Bee!

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says..."EOOOOOHAHHHHHMMMM-MMUUUUUUUUUOOOAAAAAAUUUU..." The second whale turns to the first and says "Frank, what is wrong with you?"

What do you call an alligator with a vest? An investigator!

A snail goes to buy a car and looks at several models. He looks a the 'z' car, an 'x' car, and an 's' car. He decides to buy the 's' car. Now when he drives down the street, everyone says look at that 's'-car-go!

Two cows are standing in a field, one says to the other: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease? Are you worried? The other cow replies: Not at all, good thing i am a helicopter

Once there was a skunk family. There was a mother skunk a father skunk and 2 twin skunks one called In and one called out. In and Out didn't get along. Whenever In was in Out was out. Whenever Out was in In was out. One day Out was in and In was out but in never came back home. The father skunk went out to look for In and couldn't find him. The mother skunk went out to look for In and couldn't find him. Finally Out went out to find In and came back really quick. The father skunk and the mother skunk asked Out how he found In so quick. In said it was easy In Stink.

Why does a chicken coop have only 2 doors? If it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan.