Jokes

Once upon a time, there was a man who went to the zoo. He stopped by the gorilla cage. There is a big sign there that says "Do NOT touch the gorilla!" Somehow the man accidentally touched the gorilla. A few minutes later he goes into his car and drives home. While he drives on the freeway he sees in his rear view mirror the gorilla driving a few feet away from home. Being scared the man goes to an airport flying from New York to Los Angeles. He looks back on the airplane and there is the same gorilla there. After he gets off at Los Angeles the guy tries to swim to China. After quite some time he looks back and sure enough the gorilla is also swimming to China. When he finally reaches China, the man who is out of breath by now. Sitting down he rests for awhile. By now the gorilla is only a few feet away from him. The guy says to him, "What do you want from me? Why do you keep chasing me?" The gorilla taps him on the shoulder and says to the man, "Tag! You're it!"

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to your house. Knock Knock Who's there?' The chicken!

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the possum it could actually be done!

A chicken and a goat decided to take a walk. As they were walking, a car drove past them with speed and splashed some water on them. The chicken took offence and said, “Look at how they drive, like goats!” And the goat replied, “No wonder they die like chickens.”

A fly was sitting on a completely bald person's head. Second fly lands there and comments, "Nice, clean home." First fly says, "This is not a home, it's just the plot."

I went to my local cafe today for lunch and apologized to the waitress for bringing my pet goat. She said it's OK today but it won't be allowed in future. She asked me what I would like for lunch, I said "steak with fries and the Kid Special."

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

My friend told me her dog died of a stroke. I asked her how hard she stroked it. She's not my friend anymore.

There was a terrible automobile accident. A family of four was killed and their pet chimpanzee was the only survivor. The investigators were trying to figure out what happened when one of them had an idea. "I understand chimps are very intelligent. Some of them can use sign language. Let's try it. What was the mother doing?" he asked. The chimp put up one hand for a mirror and with the other pretended to put on lipstick. "She was putting on lipstick!" he exclaimed. Pleased that they were communicating, he continued the questioning. "What were the kids doing?" The chimp put up his fists and punched the air. "They were fighting!" The chimp nodded. "What was the father doing?" The chimp tipped back his head and raised his hand as if drinking from a bottle. "Drinking! The father was drinking!" "And what were you doing?" he asked the chimp. With intense concentration the chimp peered straight ahead and grabbed the imaginary steering wheel.

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away. So it takes the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's super tired. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener." "I didn't bring the bottle opener", Steve says. "I thought you packed it." Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho, "Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?" Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe and Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of panic in his voice. "NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised." Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, pulling out a sandwich, and open their mouths about to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, "Just for that, I'm not going!"

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, The CAT

In school we were taught that Hannibal crossed the Alps with elephants. However, none of the offspring survived.

What do you call the breeze from a wagging tail? Tail Wind!

The pet shop in my town is advertising free chips with every cat. Me being the funny guy I am, I decided to take their sign and put it outside the Chinese Restaurant.

Why do you never see an elephant up a tree? Because they are really good at it.

A woman was following her boyfriend home in her car when he hit a rabbit in the road. He stopped the car and saw the rabbit lying prone in the road. He felt terrible. His girlfriend assessed the situation and dug into her purse and sprayed the rabbit who quickly jumped up hopped a few feet and turned and waved one of his front paws. The boyfriend said what did you spray him with? She said my hair spray it says on the label: REVIVES DEAD HAIR (hare) GIVES PERMANENT WAVE

Where do animals go when their tails fall off? The Retail Store!

How did the chicken cross the road? On a wing and a prayer.

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'? Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", the camel mother answers. "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?" "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. "What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown." The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. "Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires. "He's dead." declared the heartbroken man. "I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor. "No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

A man went to a pet shop looking to buy a parrot. The shop had several parrots but one was priced much lower than the others. When the man asked why one was so much cheaper than the others, the pet shop owner assured the man that he did not want the cheaper one because it had a very foul mouth. "I've tried everything, but I can't get him to stop cussing", he explained. Eager to save some money, the man bought the parrot, sure he could teach the bird not to cuss. He too tried everything to stop the parrot's foul mouth. Finally, in frustration, he put the bird in the freezer to cool off. After a few minutes, he opened the freezer to find the parrot with a totally changed attitude. "Please, I'll NEVER cuss again! Please let me out! By the way, what did the chicken do?"

One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks, "Does your dog bite?" the old man replies "No never". When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!", "I did" replies the old man, "But this isn't my dog!'.

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw to them fish three times a day.

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

Why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the idoit's house? Knock, knock................ The chicken is at your door?