Jokes

A guy driving a small car pulled up to a stop light next to a luxury car. He rolled down his window and shouted to the other driver, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a Hi-Fi sound system in your car? I've got a Hi-Fi sound system in my car!" The driver of the luxury car looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a Hi-Fi sound system." The driver of the small car said, "That's great man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my car!" The driver of the luxury car, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. My car is is one of the finest cars in the world!" The driver of the small car said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my car!" The driver of the luxury car, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his car. The next morning, he returned to pick up his vehicle, and the bed looked superb. It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a luxury car. So the driver began searching for the small car. He drove around all day and finally found it late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the small car. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out. "I now have a bed in the back of my car," the driver of the luxury car stated arrogantly. The driver of the small car looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? A. No time at all since it is already built.

"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9 "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8 "If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B, age 8 "Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7 "Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10

Two friends are driving in a car. Phil, from the passenger seat, is yelling instructions. "You idiot! You were supposed to turn left!" "Make a U-Turn now! You're going to get lost!" "OK then, merge left onto the freeway." "Dummy, you missed the freeway! Now it's going to take forever to get where you're going!" You're hopeless! "Say, Phil, what's up with that ornery voice?" asks Tom, from the driver seat. "Sorry, Tom, that's my GPS-WAAS talking." "What's a GPS-WAA?" "GPS With An Attitude!"

On one occasion William Howard Taft, in his work as an attorney, took a train to Somerville, about 40 miles north of his home in Cincinnati. At the end of the day he knew that the policy of the railway was not to stop for just one passenger to board. He therefore sent this telegram: "Stop at Somerville for a large party." As the train came to a halt, Taft began to board the train, and conductor asked, "Where's the large party?" Taft, with all of his 335 pounds replied, "I AM the large party."

When A Man and a Woman get a haircut... Women: Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men: Man 2: Haircut? Man 1: Yeah.

Someone once said that anything is possible... So isn't it possible that I will never do anything?

As the bus pulled away, a woman realized she had left her purse under the seat. Later she called the company and was relieved to find out the driver had found it. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers greeted her. One of the men handed over her handbag and a box. "We're required to inventory found wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything here." As she started to put her belongings back into the purse, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse... and we'd like to see just HOW you do it."

Two extraterrestrials had just graduated the space cadet program on their planet. Both were duty assigned to a tiny blue planet in the Milky Way Galaxy called planet Earth. One of the young alien cadets asked the other, "Have you heard of planet Earth?" His friend answered by saying, "No. I never have. But considering that you and I were last in our class, I have a feeling this is going to be one crazy adventure!"

A woman was walking on the beach right after a horrible divorce, feeling really depressed, and she kicks this bottle. Out comes a genie, and he says, "I see you are a divorcee, and I hate divorcees! I have been paying me ex alimony for the past 10,000,000 years! However, you did free me, and I will give you a wish, one wish, and your ex will get five times as much." She starts thinking what she can ask for that will be good for her and bad for her ex, first she wants to ask for a million dollars, but then understands that her ex will get five million. Then she was going to be extremely beautiful, but realizes that her ex will look even better. After a long time of thinking she says, "I know what I want. I decided that I want to marry a great man, and give birth to his child."

A man being tried for murder happens to know one of the jurors. Before jury deliberation, the man finds a way to contact his friend and emphatically demands that he vote for life in prison with the possibility of parole. The friend agrees. The jury deliberates for a week and returns a verdict of guilty with life imprisonment. The convicted man phones his friend and asks why it took so long for the verdict. His friend says, "It took me a long time to convince the other jurors for life imprisonment." "Why is that?" "Because they wanted to acquit you!"

Burying your head in the sand doesn't make your problems go away. It does, however, create a new problem. Makes you a great target for people who like to kick butt and really get things done.

Ballerinas are always on their toes... Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

My clothes dryer broke down the other day, so I picked up a newspaper to look for a reasonably priced used clothes dryer. I found an ad that listed a "New, Still in BOX, Unopened, green & environmentally friendly Solar Powered Clothes Dryer" for $50. Wow! That was a bargain for such a high tech dryer. I ordered one with free delivery. The day I received it, my jaw dropped! I got a box with clothes pins and several yards of rope.

Here are a few funny insurance claims people supposedly have made: * "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." * "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." * "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it." * "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him." * "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car." * "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." * "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries." * "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car." * "I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them???

Sign I want on the side of my coffin... "Don't take life too seriously. Now this, THIS is serious!"

I can spot an innie and an outie belly button on the beach from a mile away. .. That's because I graduated with honors from the U.S Navel Academy.

What is the difference between a well dressed man riding a bike and a man in a suit riding a unicycle? One wheel!

Why does a scuba diver fall off the boat backwards? Because if he fell frontwards he'd still be in the boat!

After a year of target practicing, I've got my shooting problems narrowed down to only two problems... Elevation and Windage.

In the state of Texas, it was determined that 80% of all visits to the emergency room started with someone uttering the phrase, "Hold my beer and watch this!"

KARATE MASTER: What people turn into when they walk into a spider web.

Because it was my brother’s birthday, our mom wanted to do something special. She called his fraternity house and said she wanted to bring a cake. The young man who took the call was very excited. "Hey, Mrs. Schaeffer," he said, "that would be great!" The next day she drove to the fraternity and rang the doorbell. The same boy answered the door. When he saw the cake, his face fell. "Oh," he said, clearly disappointed. "I thought you said ‘a keg.’"    

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

A policeman is passing through a supermarket parking lot when he sees a car turn into a 'Handicap Parking' space with no sticker. He pulls over as the gentlemen is getting out of his parked car. "Ahem," He clears his throat to the man, "Sir, this is a HANDICAP spot, you know." The man looks at him quizzically, then back to the space, then back to the officer. "Ok," he answers. The police officer crosses his arms. "Well, what's you're handicap bub?" He pauses to think for a minute. "Well, I can't read sir, does that count?"

A person that keeps their feet firmly on the ground... ... will never get their pants on!

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

I decided to write a book but was told if it's an informational book I'd need to be an authority on the subject. In thinking about this for weeks I decided to write a book about "How Not to Do Things"... I'm pretty much an authority on that subject!

There's this 'not-so-bright' young woman out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another woman on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second woman looks up the river, then down the river, then shouts back, "You are on the other side."