Jokes

Do you realize people are prisoners to their phones? That's why they are called CELL PHONES

I'm really ticked that my handmade replica of the Norse god of thunder didn't win top prize at the Medieval Art and Statue Convention. I guess that makes me a Thor loser.

Bob: "I took a big fall, fell off a 50 ft ladder." Jim: "Oh wow, are you okay?" Bob: "Yeah, it's a good thing I only fell off the first step."

My favorite way to de-clutter my space is to hold every item I own. If it does not bring me any joy, I toss it out. So far I have thrown out all my vegetables, my electrical bill, a scale, a mirror, and my treadmill.

A woman arrives at the and meets Saint Peter. She says, "I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here." Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?" She answers, "Smith." Saint Peter replies, "I've got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She responds, "His name is John Smith." Saint Peter says, "I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She answers, "He's got red hair." Saint Peter replies, "I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She responds, "Well, he told me to always remain faithful to his memory, or else he'd roll over in his grave!" Saint Peter says, "Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!"

What do you get when you cross a perfect poker hand with a successful bathroom experience by Queen Elizabeth? A Royal Flush!

During the trade wars of the 18th century, bartering was quite common among seafaring merchants who needed laborers to load and unload their wares at each port. They were willing to trade just about anything to get strong, loyal workers. At one port, the captain of a merchant ship had his eye on a well-built, muscular potential addition to his crew, whose name was Anwar. He approached Anwar's owner. "I'll trade you 50 pounds of course-grained igneous quartz rock for Anwar," he proposed. "What do you think about the offer, Anwar?" his owner asked him. "If you ask me," Anwar replied," I don't like being taken for granite!"

Q: What do we have in December that we don't have in any other month? A: The letter "D"!

Two Aussie men are standing at the top of a cliff. One has two budgies (a small parrot native to Australia), one on each shoulder. The other has a parrot and a shotgun. The first guy jumps off the cliff and on the way down the birds fly away. He crashes on the rocks below and rolls over on his back. He looks up just in time to see his friend jump off too. As the second guy falls the & parrot flies off, he pulls up his shot gun and shoots the bird just before he too crashes onto the rocks. They lie there groaning in agony for a bit before the first guy says, “I really don’t see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!” The second guy lets out a groan and says, “I’m really not too impressed with free-fall parrot shooting either!”

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark, cob-web filled, rooms and passages. "Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here." "How long is that?" asks the girl. "About three hundred years."

Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand and hand these days. I wasn’t surprised when one of my daughter’s friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don’t tell my parents," she begged. "I won’t," I promised. "You're 18 now, so I guess it's your choice. By the way, what does that stand for?" "Honesty," she said.

How come the lifeguard couldn't save the hippie? He was just too far out man.

Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot? Do what I did... don't file your tax returns.

One of my friends hates exercise. To her, getting up in the morning is a moving violation. The only exercise she get is pushing her luck, stretching the truth, and jumping to conclusions. Although, she has been known to carry a grudge.

Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment. One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital. After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?" "No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"

I learned from being around my family that duct tape can't fix stupid. But it sure can muffle the sound!

What has a hundred legs and lives on yogurt? An aerobics class.

Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Opperknockity. He arrived two days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left. Shortly after that, Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the tuner to complain about it and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem. However, the tuner replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, but Opperknockity only tunes once!"

A heavily bandaged man was sitting up in bed at the hospital when his friend came to visit. "What happened to you?" the friend asked. "Well, we went to the amusement park and decided to ride the roller coaster. As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I went around again, but we went by so quickly that I still couldn't see what the sign said. By now I was determined, so I went around a third time. As we reached the top I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked his friend. "Yes, it said remain seated at all times."

Due to finances this year, I'd like to request we lower it from the twelve days of Christmas down to eight.

What has two arms but can't raise them? A chair.

My wife and seven year old daughter invited their friends to have a tea party but you had to wear a sun dress and a floppy sun hat if you chose to attend. They had a blast laughing and enjoying themselves for over an hour. I got to thinking what would be the man equivalent to such a party, so I decided to have a bacon party and the requirement was to wear camouflage.

I went to this great yard sale the other day. There were lots of sports memorabilia, electronics, and guy stuff. A huge 50 inch flat screen TV caught my eye with a price tag on $50 on it! "You only want $50 for this big TV? It must have something wrong with it" I remarked. "I'll let it go for $50". He said. "It works great, except when you turn it on the volume starts out and stays all the way up." "Man, I sure can't turn that deal down!"

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it... you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic." Step 2: Plug it into your computer. Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel. Step 4: Feel like a hero.

Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home: 1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden." 2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground." 3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hells Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it." 4. "One bleeding mirror doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted." 5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees." 6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property." 7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity." 8. "Did you know that the punk band 'Grave Robber' holds their practice sessions right next door?" 9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder." 10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."

A homeowner in the former USSR puts a call in to the plumber to request an appointment to get his toilet fixed. The plumber says hold while he looks it up in his appointment book. Plumber: Okay, I can be by you on a Wednesday, in 3 years, 7 months, and five days from now. Customer: Will that be morning or evening? Plumber: Why do you ask? Customer: Because the electrician is coming in the morning.

Two women were talking on the phone. "Gilda, I just saw an ad on TV advertising a new weight loss program. It's called 'Your Chance to be Slim'." "I heard about 'Your Chance to be Slim', Olga, and I know some people who tried it," replied Gilda. "And how did go for them?" "Not good." "So what do you think the prognosis is of ME losing weight on this diet?" "Slim chance."

Everyone seems to be asking me, "Where do you see yourself five years from now?" I always answer, "Five years from now, I'll see myself like I always do. In a mirror."

A group of hippies gathered underneath the Washington Monument around a small bond fire. A drunk staggered by took a long look at them and then a long look up at the Monument. After a deep thought moment, the drunk says to the group, "You'll never get that rocket off the ground."