Jokes

A journalist ask a VIP lady: "What is man in your opinion?" The lady replies: "Owl." "Owl?" "Yes, owl." "Why owl?" The ladies answers: "Because normally man finds all good qualities and the beauty of a lady only in the darkness of night."

I wonder, do birds always plan things, or do they sometimes just wing it?

What do you call a cow that had a baby? Decaffeinated!

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!" Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk and slams him against a tree half a dozen times, leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away. The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

Two snakes are slithering around. The first one looks at the second and asks "Hey, are we poisonous?" The second one replies "No, why?" The first one says "Whew! Cuz I just bit my lip!"

One fly says to another fly: "Psst. Hey your man is open!"

It may be true that the early bird gets the worm, but it's the tardy mouse that gets the cheese!

Eagles may soar but you've never heard of a weasel getting sucked into jet engines!

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem. Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem. Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll. Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent. Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator. Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt. Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face. Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region. Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors. Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it. Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself. Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down. Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 a.m. Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity. Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow. Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house. Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat. Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its nose until it turns into a blue elephant and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

What do wombats have that no other animal have? Baby wombats.

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night to the tune of your protective bark, bark, bark... LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. HOLES: There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to correct this situation. But rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll blame the gophers. DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them. DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing. HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. GOING FOR WALKS: Never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch once your humans have gone to bed. PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun. CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry: Eat a shoe.

What kind of fish do dogs catch? Catfish!

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall? A: "Dam."

Michael and Timothy had just left the Pub and decided to take a shortcut through O'Leary's farm when they chanced upon O'Leary's prized stallion. Promptly, Timothy raised it's tail, took a quick swipe then applied it to his lips. Michael, dumbfounded, asked: "Is horse manure good for chapped lips?" Timothy replied: "I don't know, but it sure keeps me from lickin' em!"

Why can't leopards play hide and seek? They always get spotted.

The Three Bears were about to enjoy breakfast together as usual when they were interrupted by a terrible ROAARR outside their humble cottage. Immediately, the door came crashing in and this huge ugly, fierce looking bear stood in their midst! Without hesitation, the monster slurped up Papa Bear's porridge, then Mama Bear's, finally licking every morsel from Baby Bear's little bowl. Suddenly, the intruder produced a pistol and fired several shots through the cottage roof! Where upon the furry animal walked calmly out the open door and disappeared into the forest. WHAT WAS THAT? exclaimed Papa Bear. I HAVE NO IDEA! said Mama Bear. I Think it was a Koala Bear said Baby Bear. Oh, no, Son, insisted Mama and Papa Bear. That was too big and fierce for a Koala bear. I'm pretty sure it WAS a Koala bear, said Baby Bear, walking over to the family library, and pulling down the bear history book. Sure enough! Under the heading, KOALA BEAR it read. .......eats, shoots, and leaves.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... ... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into." Now wipe that smile off your face.

What do you get if you cross a dog with a cheetah? A dog that chases cars -- and catches them! What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog? An animal that can lick you from the other side of the road! What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a Dog!

A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.) D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.) F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

What did the bunny give his girlfriend when he asked her to marry him? A 13-carrot ring!

A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college. Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going. "Well," says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages." "Really?" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language." The dog says, "Meow!"

The city boy goes to countryside to visit his uncle. After the sun goes down, the boy hears strange, another-world howling. He gets frightened and runs to his uncle. "Uncle, uncle, there are werewolves!" "That's rubbish, boy, ain't no such thing". "'Then, there must be man-eating wolves". "No, we haven't got those buddies, either." "What is this sound, then?" the boy asks. "They are coyotes". "Coyotes? What are those?" "They look a lot like dogs. In fact, ya can consider them a kind of dog." The boy wants to find out more: "Why are they making that frightening noise?" "See, nephew, we ain't got many trees around here. We got cactuses!"

How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card .

Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? He didn't want to fall in the hot chocolate.

How do you stop an elephant from going on vacation? You take his trunk away.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

On a beautiful sunny summer morning there were two cows in a field. The first cow said "mooo" and the second cow said "baaaaaa." The first cow was surprised and asked the second cow, "Why did you say "baaaaa?" The second cow replied, "I am learning a foreign language."

Q: What do aardvarks have that no other animal have? A: Baby Aardvarks