Jokes

What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Aye, Matey!"

A family was traveling from Ontario to Winnipeg Manitoba and while driving on the highway they saw a sign... CLEAN WASHROOMS AHEAD. By the time they got to Winnipeg they had cleaned more than 1000 washrooms.

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lesser known relatives: The really obnoxious brother - Please Gogh The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh And his magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh

A not-so-smart person walks up to the counter and says: "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a diet coke." The man behind the counter says "Look around! This is a LIBRARY!" "Oh, how silly of me." says the person. She then begins whispering, "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a diet coke..."

A guy calls AAA: "I’m stranded on the side of the road." AAA: "At least you have a shoulder to cry on."

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer." "Never heard of him. What did he write?" "A big check," replied the guide.

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her backyard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside. 2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy. 3. Never make fried chicken in the nude. 4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner. 5. Make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later start all over again. 6. To hang up more clothes buy bigger door knobs. 7. Sweep the room with a glance. 8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby cre ating a romantic atmosphere. 10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. "But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained. "That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just pull your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this." "But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer. "No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars." Finally, the fellow bought the suit, pulled his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. "Good grief," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor fellow." "Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"

Man in a bar tells his friend he does not believe in coincidences. His friend said, “OMG, neither do I!”

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker: "My other car is a broomstick."

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to someone who was needy and down on his luck." "Twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

I just love it when you are at a play or movie theater and they make the announcement, "Please silence your cell phones..." Why do they have to announce that? I mean how many people are carrying around a landline phone?

A man was walking down the street stealing loads of garden gates... No one said anything in case he took a fence!

A woman has a problem with her closet door - it's falling out every time a bus passes by. So she calls a repairman. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time a bus passes by. "OK, I'm going to take a look at this, just close the door behind me," and he steps into the closet. At that time the husband comes home from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband says, "What the heck are you doing here?" Repairman replies, "You won't believe it, but I'm waiting for the bus."

Just seen a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out... He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch!

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter!" "Wow, I'm glad to hear that." "Someday I intend on reading it as well."

I never forget a face... But in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Joe: Hey Jay. I noticed you have a gambling problem. You should go to Gamblers Anonymous meetings. Jay: I do NOT have a gambling problem! Joe: Yes, my friend. You do. Jay: Wanna bet I don’t?

When I get really bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot. Then I sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

He may look like an idiot and he may talk like an idiot... But don't let that fool you... He really is an idiot.

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

"Who dropped a wad of money with an elastic band around it?" "I did!" "Well, here's your elastic band."

One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it." When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it." "You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it. Otherwise, I won't know where to get off."

What did the mummy director say after they finished making the movie? That’s a wrap!

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade!

Do you ever wonder... What would happen if your mouth had a backspace key?

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."